She is a sly mistress.
First spotted early Tuesday morning, the acclaimed University of Wisconsin turkey has flocked far and wide, from Animal Sciences to Sellery Hall to the peak of Bascom. The star of Snapchat stories and tweets alike, the evasive creature has garnered campus-wide attention and awe.
Spotted: #uwturkey pic.twitter.com/FnN2g5bve9
— Nate Moll (@natemoll) April 6, 2016
Here’s our quick guide on how to capture, domesticate and fatten up the UW turkey. It might never be of use, or maybe it will sometime post-Halloween and pre-Christmas, but don’t let the opportunity pass you by.
Step 1: Correctly identify the UW turkey
This is harder than it may seem, as she has been known to take a variety of forms. To make sure you’re ready for the big day, we’ve provided a quick brainteaser so you can practice accurately identifying the UW turkey and have it tightly in your grip before November comes around.
Step 2: The capture
The biggest net you could find didn’t work with the last girl you were trying to get, but this time will be different. Compliment her wattle, offer her a chicken pesto sandwich and soon enough she’ll come right to you, just like your family on a holiday in November.
Step 3: The domestication
This step requires endless care and unconditional affection. Make sure the UW turkey feels like she belongs. Go on a walk down Lakeshore Path, take her out with your friends — it seems she might enjoy tequila. Check her enrollment date on her Student Center and invite her to enroll for fall classes with you. She’s fine making the climb up Bascom — the UW turkey loves the fall colors right around November.
Of course the #uwturkey would pay us a visit near Bascom #neature pic.twitter.com/MBXyAIOj1N
— UW-Madison (@UWMadison) April 6, 2016
Step 4: Yeah, fatten her up
Wild turkeys generally spend their days eating natural nuts, berries and insects. Recipe for disaster. Let Velveeta replace herbaceous materials and it’s Greenbush for breakfast — breakfast for dinner. There is no such thing as enough. Who knows why you want to fatten this turkey up? You would never do anything to hurt it. It’s all just for fun.
