Banter

Madison mansions you’ll probably never be able to afford

Some motivation to get off the Internet and do a homework assignment or two

by Yusra Murad

March 31, 2016

Courtesy of Search Homes in Madison

There’s something so rich about drooling over expensive things while you’re still too poor.

Living paycheck-to-horrible paycheck for four years in college can get dreary, and sometimes fawning over cars, clothes and homes you couldn’t afford can be rejuvenating. It can perhaps even serve as motivation to get off the Internet and do a homework assignment or two.

Maybe one day we’ll be ballin’. But also, maybe not. Regardless, can’t hurt to check out what you’re missing. Somehow, College Court didn’t land a place on this list — if you can believe it.

403 Farwell Drive

This lakefront property comes in at 6,208 square feet. With awe-inspiring views of the Capitol, the bathroom is sure to be home to many mirror photos. Maybe once you’re rich enough to be allowed to say the word mahogany, you can consider dreaming about Googling this home.

Price: $2,500,000, or 714,285 small dishes of ice cream from the Daily Scoop.
5 bedroom, 4 bathroom
Jetted bath tub, hot tub, spa and probably it’s own geotag

123 West Washington Avenue

Looking for a cute condo? You sure as hell can’t afford this one. It has a guest suite with a sauna, Capitol views and a private outdoor terrace.

Price: $1,195,000, or 460,000 bagels from Einstein’s.
2 bedroom, 2.5 bath
Private terrace, two fireplaces and no real friends

817 Silver Sage Trail

With a small loan of $1 million and then another for $650,000, these cherry cabinets and 23 ways to work a shower are yours. Just start by saving and investing what you can, finding a steady job and selling pounds of cocaine and you should be there in no time.

Price: $1,165,000, or 4.6 million Airheads at Badger Market
6 bedroom, 5.5 bath
3 fireplaces, patio, jetted bathtub and apparently electronic pet containment

234 Lathrop Street

Here’s a street that sounds familiar! Just like your friend from class’ house on Lathrop, this home has drywall, a ceiling and plumbing. Unfortunately, the similarities stop there. Unlike your friend’s place, this sparkling Victorian mansion comes in at 6,000 square feet and features a Bella Domicile-designed kitchen in place of sweaty floors and water damage.

Price: $1,750,000
4 bedroom, 5.5 bath
3 powder rooms, hot tub, deck and cool wooden things to swing from

100 Wisconsin Avenue

With views of the Capitol, isthmus and Bascom Hill, you could bask in the glory of ceiling to floor windows and watch from above as University of Wisconsin students waste their money on Cheetos and horrible weed. It’s OK if you become a terrible, manipulative person to make the kind of money to cop this pad — the stone balcony will keep you company.

Price: $1,195,000, or nearly 60,000 handles of Fireball
2 bedroom, 2.5 bath
Balcony, Cathedral ceiling and panoramic views of people poorer than you

415 Farwell Drive

This floral cottage could serve as a fantastic 50th anniversary gift to your grandparents or a radical frat house if you stole the annual salaries of fifty median-income Americans. Farwell Drive is back on the list of homes you can’t afford with its Lake Mendota frontage and excessively large closets.

Price: $2,495,000, or 623,750 3-subject notebooks
6 bedroom, 6.5 bathroom
Porch, pool spa and closet the size of heaven itself

57 Cambridge Road

Tired yet? Well, you’d be even more tired climbing the stairs to the front door of this little shack — if you could afford even one book off the shelf. Coming in at the most expensive home on the list, each square foot in this home is worth $544. Bet that’s the most expensive trip to the bathroom you’ve ever made.

Price: $3,499,000, or $3,499,000, oh my God that is so much money
5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
Colonial architecture, giant compass painted on floor in case you get lost, which you might

814 Silver Sage Trail

Just imagine how quickly you could ruin this Madison palace with one tiny little Madison house party. The theater doesn’t hurt and the pool really doesn’t hurt, but knowing you will never fall asleep on one of those heavenly-looking couches does.