They say quarantine is a great time to learn new skills, and now that Adobe Creative Cloud is free for students until May 31, I’ve decided to do just that.

Since being quarantined in my home state of Illinois — do not hold against me the sins of my ancestors — I’ve been lucky to spend so much time with my family, especially my darling mother.

We share the same face, the same volume and the same enthusiasm for making each other laugh as much as possible. Whenever I have writer’s block, she suggests, “Why don’t you write about me?”

Well, this one’s for you, Bonnie.

Author’s Note — This was meant to be a video, but Bon Bon and I decided that putting on makeup was too much work and to forgo makeup would be equal to obscenity, which is not protected by the First Amendment and has no place in this paper. In classic Steinberg family fashion, this recording features mostly wheezing, nonsense and my brother interjecting several times even though this is not about him. Several minutes were cut out for brevity, clarity — let’s be honest, this doesn’t need to exist, but here we are.

Enjoy at your own risk.