Guy: Hey, hey, you’re the sex columnist.
[Pause]
Me: Yes.
Guy: Oh man, I have a question for you.
[Pause]
Me: Okay.
Guy: You’re a sex columnist, so you’ll know this. Does…[long pause] size matter?
This question comes courtesy not of [email protected], but of a spectacularly drunk individual at Amy’s Caf? and Bar. Rest assured, dear readers, that all of you who have sent questions by e-mail will have them answered, but since we only have one column per week, it will take a while. In the meantime, since I was totally awed and creeped out that someone recognized me from my dopey mug shot (and since I feel bad for busting out laughing), I’m gonna answer this one.
In the same way the size of the Long Islands this individual was consuming — at a basic level — size does matter. Smaller penises feel different than bigger penises; long, skinny penises are different to suck than short, thick penises; and a big ol’ girthy dildo is more expensive than a slim, delicate one.
Calm the eff down for a second and let me explain. Though size can make a difference, ever had an enormous Long Island that was gross? Ever had an eight ounce Long Island that was delicious? Exactly. You’ve also got to think about the quality and balance of the ingredients, the skill and attention of the bartender, and OK, enough with the booze metaphor.
Yes, size matters. But it’s not the only thing that matters, and it doesn’t really matter all that much. I heard somewhere that chicks (and dudes) dig guys with skills, and mad skills will trump a twelve-incher every time. Oral sex, magic fingers, kissing, effective toy usage, whatever works. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, it takes lots of time, lube and patience to stick something up your ass, and an ultramegathundercock is going to take lots of time, lube and patience. Most people wouldn’t want (or be able) to take it all right away. Undoubtedly, there are individuals who love a huge cock or toy, but there are very few who would hold it against somebody for not having a huge penis to put in their butt. Second, most women (over two-thirds) don’t have orgasms from vaginal penetration alone, no matter how big or small the penetrator is.
That being said, there are some things you or your partner can do to alter the perception of size. First, women can wear a buttplug during penetrative sex. In lots of anatomy textbooks, the vagina is portrayed as a gaping black abyss, but in real life, the vaginal opening looks more like a fold of tissue, and the vagina itself is more aptly described as a potential space, which can stretch to accommodate things going in or coming out. But since there’s a finite amount of space in the pelvis, occupying some of it — like with a buttplug — limits the amount the vagina can stretch, making it feel tighter around a smaller toy or penis. Conversely, a plug or dildo in the vagina can limit the amount the anus can stretch.
Additionally, penis-possessors can try a cock ring. Cock rings are made out of many different materials, so you can find the one you like best (leather, jelly rubber, etc., though for safety purposes, I wouldn’t recommend metal). They’re worn around the base of the penis and hold blood in the shaft, making erections bigger and harder. Depending on the wearer, they may have the added bonus of making the male partner last longer. But because all that erection can mean lots more sensitivity, he may come faster, too. Check it out, play around — just remember that blood is supposed to flow in our bodies, so keeping it trapped in your dick for more than 20 minutes at a stretch isn’t a good idea.
On the flip side, if you or your partner are having problems with a toy or penis that’s on the large side, lube it up. Slow it down. Preceding penetration with massage or oral can make the anus or vagina aroused and relaxed (and can be an awesome sex activity by itself). If penetration is desired, beginning with smaller objects, like fingers or smaller toys, can help work up to larger items. Add lube (making sure to avoid mixing silicone lube with silicone toys). Go slow, working it in inch by inch, and stopping, slowing down or (did I mention this yet?) adding more lube if the receptive partner is uncomfortable. Discomfort can be normal as we get used to different sensations, but pain is our bodies’ way of telling us that something is wrong. If something hurts, stop right away and figure out what the problem is before going any further.
A couple final notes: Though it is possible for the vagina or anus to become accustomed to the feeling of a large toy or penis, these orifices are quite muscular — in other words, you’re not going to end up with a saggy, leaky, stretched-out ass, no matter how well-endowed your partner is. And finally, no matter how enormous the object you’ve got, a condom will fit over it. Your average, everyday condom can fit over my forearm. (I’ll prove it.) It can fit over a basketball, it can hold a gallon of water and it can fit over a human head. (Check YouTube.) Extra-large condoms are longer, girthier and are definitely an accessible option if preferred. However, if anyone ever gives us the excuse, “Baby, I’m too big for a condom,” we should have no qualms about laughing in his face.
But laughing in someone’s face isn’t appropriate in all situations, and so I am sorry about laughing at you, Mr. Long-Islands-at-Amy’s Man. I hope I have provided a satisfactory answer to your question, and that the rest of you found the answer worthwhile, too. And since this is the last Hump Day before break, here’s wishing you all nothing but the horniest of holidays.
Erica Andrist is a facilitator with Sex Out Loud. Do you want her to live up to her word and put a condom on her forearm? Contact her at[email protected].
