Men know all too well the conversation that springs up almost every time two or more women get together. No matter how self-assured, unconventional or physically attractive a girl is, the topic is going to come up.

“I can definitely tell when I lose five pounds,” one will say as you — a male — roll your eyes at the discussion of exactly how many grams of fat are in a cup of Cold Stone Creamery.

“I wish my tits were bigger.”

“I wish my ass was smaller.”

“I hate my thighs.”

Women chase the hourglass on several fronts, trying to manipulate the shape, tone, and size of their bodies with modern sciences such as Atkins and the WonderBra.

But no matter how much anguish these body parts cause women, there is no comparison to the fear struck into the hearts of men by one possibility: that “it” is just not that big.

Size matters. There’s no pussyfooting around this. Those who tell you otherwise most likely have small penises. Of course, as with everything, it matters more to some people than to others.

There is no doubt there are girls out there who treat sex like ice fishing: there is a size limit, and if it doesn’t measure up, throw it back. Of course, there are also plenty of guys who are swimming in a school of goldfish, pretending they’re piranhas.

What might be the worst part of this for men is, there’s virtually no way of knowing where you stand. A sexual partner would never just casually offer judgment, unless you were on the extreme ends of the spectrum. And if that is the case, do you really want to hear about it?

It is completely unsophisticated and borderline sad to flat-out ask a partner. How are you going to do that without sounding like an idiot?

“So, uh … am I, like, big?”

That would actually be even less classy than, “So, uh … did you get off?”

You could always just check out how the competition is hanging in the men’s locker room showers.

“Dude … are you looking at my junk?”

Scratch that.

“I think it’s also an insecurity issue,” said a Northwestern junior. “Guys who are insecure do worry. Guys who aren’t insecure don’t seem to care.”

What the hell are you talking about? Of course it’s easy to be secure when you have a huge penis!

But the woman has a point. The fear of inadequacy inspires guys to do some pretty pathetic things, like drive SUVs, use violence to solve problems and advocate constitutional amendments to ban same-sex marriages.

There are downsides to having a proper dodgerer. Nothing is quite as uncomfortable as watching a walk of shame that can only be described with the perfect, yet graphic, “tore up.”

“The only thing not good about a horse-cock is that it makes it really hard to walk to class sometimes,” said a University of Wisconsin junior. “Take this morning, for example. I looked like an old grandma hiking up Bascom Hill.”

“Christ!” I said. “I don’t know if we can publish that.”

Most guys are not trying to keep their girls walking around like Hos and Little Joe, fresh off the Ponderosa. Most men are happy with comparable equipment that gets the job done. And won’t get you laughed at.

Wait — you’ve never laughed at a guy, have you?

“I did,” said the junior. “It was super tiny. I didn’t know what to do with it.”

Whoa. Hell hath no fury like a woman unsatisfied. There are some things I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Well, maybe I would. What would be the point of having a worst enemy if you couldn’t wish things like tiny dicks on them?

Hayley, 20, a UW junior, said the most important thing was proportionality.

“It has to be proportional to the rest of him,” she said. “If that is small for a smaller guy, then so be it. Big for a bigger guy, great. But small on a big guy? No. Big on a small guy? Kinda weird.”

My friend from Northwestern suggested a romantic paradigm. Does size matter?

“To have sex for sex, it does. To have sex because you’re in love, it doesn’t,” she said.

Well, that’s reassuring. Love über alles, including dinky wangs.

“But most guys, especially our age, don’t want to fall in love just yet,” she added quickly.

She says guys don’t want to be in love. So is there no sex-for-love? Just sex-for-sex? In which case, size still matters!

You can be 5-foot-4 and play in the NBA, as long as you’re a Spud Webb in the sack. Size does matter, but more in matters of the heart than in matters of the bedroom.