Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. If you’re anything like me, you hate the aforementioned capitalistic, greeting-card holiday, created to fill the gift-buying lull that would otherwise be this time of year. Also, if you’re anything like me, you won’t be getting any action, and you’ll find yourself at home, alone, masturbating.
Therein lies the subject of today’s column. Over the years, I have performed tons of research on the subject, coming to several conclusions, pun intended. Pretty much everyone masturbates. According to www.jackinworld.com, studies have found that over 90 percent of teens and twenty-something males masturbate on a regular basis, and about 98 percent of adults admit to having masturbated at some time in their lives. In addition, about two-thirds of adult women masturbate from time to time.
If you’re wondering why girls often won’t admit to enjoying a good session of fondling the flesh oyster, it is probably because most females begin to masturbate at a later age than most males. Back in junior high or high school, when guys would talk about masturbating, girls always denied doing it, saying it was gross or employing some other lame excuse. Maybe, at that point in their lives, they hadn’t. However, it is fairly likely that most women on this campus have by now. And, if they haven’t, they should.
If you’re a woman and have never tried it, read this testimonial from a good friend of mine. “Masturbation helps to relieve period cramps,” she told me, adding, “It’s proven.” I don’t know where the proof is, but she read something somewhere and swears by this household remedy. Throw out the Midol, and get yourself a dildo or a back massager or whatever else you can come up with.
According to www.newscientist.com, a team of scientists in Melbourne, Australia concluded that the more men ejaculate between the ages of 20 and 50, the less likely they are to develop prostate cancer. The study basically surveyed men with and without prostate cancer, finding that among the 1,000 or so cancer patients, the masturbation tally was lower than among the 1,200 or so healthy males.
Another healthy thing for guys to do is to urinate afterward. Sometimes semen left in the urethra can cause a urinary tract infection. I don’t think that most guys masturbate for their health, but now we can justify doing it for such reasons. Strangely, the more you masturbate, the thicker the byproduct will be. When guys first start masturbating, the semen is really watery; however, the more they do it, the thicker and whiter it becomes.
In addition, masturbation causes the release of endorphins in both sexes. Endorphins are a chemical produced by the brain in response to physical intimacy and sexual satisfaction, and they are often linked to stress and their ability to relieve it. Exercise also releases endorphins. So if you’re too lazy to make it to the gym, you can just sit at home and masturbate.
Don’t be lazy about your clean-up habits. It is possible to squeeze your urethra shut to the point that semen doesn’t come out. When you do this, the semen is displaced back to your bladder to be released later in urine. This may be easier than cleaning up, but it isn’t good for you. Your pipes weren’t intended to work that way. Also, some guys like to use the same thing to clean up every time — a rag. I’m a big fan of the one-time-use disposable rag. Throw away that old, crusty, discolored towel, if you have one, in favor of paper towels.
All right, the best part about writing on this particular subject has been referring to jacking off as “research.” One such scientific inquiry involved testing my own reaction to masturbatory deprivation. That basically means I didn’t masturbate for an entire week. Oh, the sacrifices I make for you people. When you’re used to doing it pretty regularly, such denial leaves you in withdrawal. Nothing special really happened as a result. My testicles just started to feel a little achy after a while.
By the way, when masturbating in a cold room like mine, warm your hands first or the penis will instantly shrink. Also, if you’re looking for a heightened orgasm, breathing heavily or holding your breath can produce the desired result. I’m not a huge fan, but the increased level of carbon dioxide enhances your orgasm. Don’t get carried away, though. People have died from what is called autoerotic asphyxiation — more commonly called “scarfing.” Generally, these people died because they in some way restricted their breath to the point that they couldn’t breathe, with some kind of tie, for example. Don’t do that. Just think if you died and someone found you with a noose around your neck and a flaccid penis in your hand.
In writing this column, I hope to induce a sort of campus-wide masturbatory hiatus from class, thereby lowering the collective GPA of the student body and bringing myself to a higher standing. Stop going to class, stay home all day and masturbate, everyone.