The first time I heard a man talk about using an impotence drug, it wasn’t Bob Dole, Mike Ditka or Raphael Palmeiro. It was my freshman-year roommate: a smart, handsome, well-adjusted bass player who had dozens of instant groupies whenever his band played at Luther’s Blues.
We were sitting around in the dorm room talking about drugs when he put an unexpected spin on the “I-tried-acid-once” conversation.
“Have you guys ever taken Viagra?” And we were all flabbergasted as he told us how a very cool family physician, a very chill talk with his dad, and a very extensive health-insurance package had joined forces to drop a prescription for Viagra into his hand.
“Do you have a problem, you know … getting it up?” one of us asked.
“Dude, of course not,” he said and took a drag on his cigarette. “But think about it like this: if some old man takes a drug to have sex like a 19-year old, what happens when a virile, energetic 19-year old takes the same drug?” We were dumbstruck. “You’re like a porn star. After about eight or nine hours, you’re just like ‘OK, we have to stop, otherwise we’re going to kill each other.'”
For us, this was the gospel according to Pfizer. It’s a whole new game out there, and it’s scary as hell for many men. Fully-functioning wedding tackle will surely help you on your way to an adequate sex life, but since the Viagra revolution a few years ago, just showing up and getting it up is not the key to sexual stardom — it’s a one-way ticket to mediocrity. “Sex and the City” feminism has produced a fledgling generation of girls unafraid of telling their male counterparts they didn’t get off, it wasn’t spectacular, or maybe it was just too small.
In today’s market — in which anyone who watches television can name at least three drugs for depression and allergies each — a miracle drug for sex does not seem off-base. If the performance anxiety or the expectation of spectacular results becomes too much, take refuge in pharmaceuticals. Hey, it worked for Major League Baseball. Good pitching and solid fielding may win you games (or dates), but it’s still the homerun hitters putting asses in the stands (or your bed).
Although a lot of men are taking impotence medication to handle the sexual pressure of dating women with Samantha Jones complexes, many others are taking it to take the work out of old-fashioned sex marathons. Drug companies came out with Levitra, a drug that improves “erection quality,” which has been running a commercial in which a man throws a football through a swinging tire to symbolize his virility. Last month the drug Cialis was approved by the Food and Drug Administration; this drug is being called “the weekender” because it can remain in the bloodstream for 36 hours. 36 hours. Let me pause to let that soak in, hombres.
One thing I’m wondering is how long before drug companies start giving impotence drugs names alluding to what they’re supposed to treat. Depression and allergy drugs are named Wellbutrin, Effexor, Allegra, Claritin. Why don’t we have Erexertin, or Hardongra, or Stiffitor?
There are down sides to this sort of behavior. Eating an impotence pill does not mean an instant erection; there still has to be stimulation and arousal. When Viagra hit the market, a lot of men didn’t understand that if their wife wasn’t in the mood, it didn’t matter how many pills they were popping. It inspired a “Man, I could’ve spent that 10 bucks on a pizza” reaction. Yes, that’s another down side — these drugs aren’t cheap. But that’s what the Internet is for.
Last month the New York Times reported that around 1.6 million of prescriptions filled for Pfizer’s Viagra last year were given to men under 39, but there’s no telling how many men in that demographic are taking similar drugs because many access discount Internet pharmacies and drug wholesalers online.
Certain side effects could also be considered a down side. The New York Times also reported last month that men who take erectile-dysfunction drugs regularly become familiar with these effects, such as headaches, bloodshot eyes, flushed cheeks and continuous partially firm erections. There are a few stories circulating about the very, very, very unpleasant things that can happen when impotence drugs are used in combination with other drugs like cocaine and ecstasy.
If you are inexperienced, anxious, or just want to see what it’s like to f-ck for 40 hours (without doing the tantric stuff Sting is always bragging about) and you can find a trusted source, then you might want to check these drugs out. Just remember, if you’re going to try throwing footballs through any swinging tires, wear protection. There’s nothing worse than a quarterback blitz of syphilis.
