Flying cars? No thanks … robots to clean the house? Yawn … a computer I can have sex with? Hell yes!

As technology grows more and more advanced, people will find it much easier to “hook up,” literally, with the girl or guy of their dreams. So long to the days of trying to hold up a rumpled, blurry picture of Brad Pitt’s head with some overdeveloped freak’s body attached pathetically through Photoshop while trying to rub one out with your other hand.

And forget trying to masturbate to the kaleidoscope of colors, moans and static you’ll get from flipping back and forth between the Playboy channel and Skinamax; the days of virtual-reality sex are almost here.

While cybersex itself is nothing new, the latest advancements in sex with technology are taking orgasms out of the chat rooms and into people’s bedrooms. Companies such as Safe Sex Plus, VR Innovations, and Digital Sexations design virtual-sex products that make embarrassing midnight runs to Selective Video a thing of the past.

These “sex portals” hook your computer up to anywhere from one to four sexual appliances, which can then be controlled by someone else, a DVD, streaming Internet video or even clicking links on a website. But with names like “Robosuck” and “Sex Machine,” how can you not laugh at these latest versions of the dildo and snatch box?

Some people are taking these things a little too seriously, though. A website for VR Innovations says that sex with its “Virtual Sex Machine exceeds the ability of a ‘real’ sexual partner because the sensations are longer and more intense. Not only that, the machine never gets tired.” I’m sorry, but I really don’t think having sex with a little vacuum tube that hooks up to your iMac is going to take precedence over sex with an actual human being.

I mean, honestly, isn’t half the fun of having sex the idea that somebody else finds your body so attractive that they feel the need to take off all your clothes and hop on? With these new virtual sex toys, there is no chase involved, no work of any kind done, and while that may be the only option for some unfortunate members of society, I certainly don’t think that everyone should jump on the “tech-sex” bandwagon.

Because of the rapid addiction of most users, cybersex has even been labeled “the cocaine of sexual addiction” by sexual psychologists and “the electronic homewrecker” by countless others. The U.S. National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity estimates that two million Americans are already addicted to cybersex. There’s even support-groups for the millions of “cyber widows” who find their marriage is suffering due to the temptations of a digitalized sex life.

But digital love doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. As long as you keep your activity level down to a maximum of “11 hours per week,” like most psychologists recommend, feel free to peruse the variety of virtual girls and guys available to “log on” with every day.

And for those of you who just can’t get it up while staring at a computer monitor, Dominic Choy, a scientist from Australia, is planning to take blow-up dolls to a whole new level. Choy is working on a life-sized sex doll, complete with imitation skin, that is fully controlled over a computer system. Using signals from the Internet as well as sound and touch sensors, the doll would allow people wearing the proper virtual-reality headset to get it on with someone across the globe who’s also hooked up to the ‘net, or even someone in the person’s imagination, such as a celebrity.

And if you’re looking for something a little easier to work with, something portable and discreet perhaps, than look no further than the new “Purring Kitty” software that turns your cell phone into a sex toy. That’s right, all those jokes about putting your Nokia on vibe, stuffing it down your pants and calling it over and over weren’t kidding; you can, in fact, get off on your cellie-cell. The software only costs $2.35 and can be downloaded straight to your phone from Vibelet.com. And even cuter, the screen shows the image of a purring kitten while your getting off. Aww … how adorable.

And of course, I couldn’t resist including a few “naughty” emoticons I found on the Internet for shits and giggles. Next time you’re in a chat room and BigRodStroker69 asks you what you like, why not try typing in (.)(.) or 8====> to really get his juices flowing. You know what they say — a picture’s worth a thousand words.

Despite the staggering amount of addicts nationwide, cybersex is still the safest sex you can have, so in times of virtu-lovin,’ screw the condom and just get freaky.

If you could have sex anywhere in the world, where would it be? What if you could do it with anyone in the world, dead or alive, who would it be? Email me at [email protected] and I promise not to reveal your dirty little secrets to anyone.