Let me warn you, this column is going to really suck. Literally. Of all the questions asked over the span of your (hopefully) four years here on campus, there is one that you will most definitely never see on a multiple-choice exam. Yet this question is one of the most critical and revealing of any that an individual can ever answer.

More important even than “What is your goal in life?” or “Do you really think Tupac is dead?” The question that lies at the root of all sexual relationships, be they heterosexual, homosexual or both. And the question is …

Spit or swallow?

Yes, readers, that’s right — a question which has plagued the minds of humans since the beginning of time.

Many people have extremely strong opinions when it comes to matters of semen ingestion. It is hard to know what ancient civilizations thought about the spit-or-swallow conundrum, but we know they must have had some opinion because they were certainly practicing oral sex.

In fact, in ancient Greece, fellatio was known as “playing the flute.” It was continually praised by Greek and Roman poets and is believed to have been fairly widespread as a result.

In India, the art of fellatio has a long history, going back perhaps to the time of birth of Christ. One of the first love manuals, the Kama Sutra (ca. 100-300 A.D.) has a whole chapter on Oparishtaka, or “mouth congress.”

So the question may not be spit or swallow, but rather, what did our ancestors do? Perhaps if the ancients had better documented their trials and tribulations with the art of semen-swallowing, we would have an easier answer to this question, but unfortunately, they did not.

So I guess it’s up to us to solve the age-old riddle. Well, no problem is easy to solve without a thorough understanding of the facts surrounding it. Or in this case, the facts inside it — the semen, that is. For all you yo-yo dieters out there, the caloric content of semen is a measly 15 calories, so no need to worry about developing a “jizz gut.”

Also, those concerned with nutrition and daily vitamins may be relieved to find that the average ejaculate contains calcium, magnesium, potassium, vitamin B-12 and zinc. Not only will you put a smile on your man’s face, but you just might get that extra boost of vitamins and minerals needed to spare you from the nasty bout of the flu going around. Not likely, but it’s worth a shot (pun intended).

And if calorie content and nutritional value don’t concern you, there are also some solutions for those troubled by the less-than-appealing taste of semen. In general, nutritionists say that alkaline-based foods such as meats and fish produce a bitter, fishy taste. Dairy products, which contain a high amount of bacteria, create the foulest-tasting fluids by far.

But of all foods, asparagus is rumored to be the absolute worst when it comes to matters of taste. Much like a dinner at Olive Garden, you just can’t hide the taste of asparagus-laced semen. On a positive note, acidic fruits such as sweets, fruits and alcohol give bodily fluids a pleasant, sugary flavor. So all you boozehounds take note, alcohol = yummy jizz.

But be warned: chemically processed liquors will cause an extremely acidic taste, so if you’re going to use alcohol as a sweetener, try high-quality, naturally fermented beers like Rolling Rock or Kirin or sip sake.

And men, if you don’t like the idea of planning your meals around possible oral activity, the “scientists” at CCS Laboratories have answered your prayers. Cum So Sweet??, available for the low, low price of $18.95 a month, is “a synthetic Chinese citrus-like derivative which has long been used by royalty in Asian cultures to enhance the flavor of seminal fluid.”

Right. Basically, it’s a pill that you are supposed to take once a day and just before engaging in oral sex. Supposedly, the pill dissolves under your tongue, and wham — your semen tastes like fruit. Highly unlikely, but hey, if you’ve got money to burn, it’s worth a try.

Swallowing semen isn’t all fun and games, though. The Center for Disease Control’s website cautions that it is possible for you to contract HIV and other STDs through oral sex, though the risk is less than that of unprotected anal or vaginal sex.

If you have cuts or sores on your mouth or if your partner ejaculates in your mouth, there is a chance that you will contract an STD. So just because it may not be sex in the traditional sense, it doesn’t mean you need to use any less protection.

In the end, it really is up to you whether you want to spit or swallow, and don’t let anyone make you feel bad if you just don’t feel comfortable ingesting something that came out of the same hole as urine.

Hey, if your partner gives you a hard time, just say, “If it’s such a problem, I don’t have to do it then.” I’m sure they’ll find a way to accept your choice when presented with such an ultimatum.

Just remember, it doesn’t matter if you swallow it, spit it or dribble it, just make sure you know the risks involved either way and are comfortable in your decision. And guys, don’t forget: asparagus=bad, beer=good.

Last week to enter the Sex Contest!! Send in your worst story of sex gone wrong to [email protected], and you may win a prize! All identities will be kept secret, but feel free to brag to your friends that you are the ultimate “loser” when it comes to getting laid.