Dear Santa,
I know I’ve been a whiny little shit this year, but all good men forgive and forget — so get over it. As for the standard “lavishing of gifts” that is quickly approaching, I am forwarding you this detailed request list. I know you have the heart to meet at least a dozen or so of my demands . . . err . . . ideas. Remember, no improvising — only items off the list — and make sure to use the back door and wipe your feet off this year. Sorry about the chimney incident. Who’d have thought Christmas Eve would be the one day that I use the fireplace all year?
Thanks, Santa.
CHRISTMAS WISH LIST FOR ME
1. Jennifer Esposito.
2. A multiplex on State Street — one with at least 12 screens, a gourmet food stand and, of course, stadium seating.
3. A real Oscar contender.
4. One of those fat suits that Gwyneth Paltrow got to play with in “Shallow Hal.” Those look fun.
5. A Wonder Wheel, a Red Rider bee-bee gun, a Mogwai (preferably a non-violent one), a Buzz Lightyear toy, a Log, a Super Happy Fun Ball and that big talking robot Paulie got in “Rocky IV.”
6. A reason to believe a college degree means anything in life.
7. A cure for writer’s block.
8. Sanity.
9. A lifetime subscription to The Badger Herald. Oh, wait . . .
10. A “Seinfeld” reunion of at least one full season.
11. An end to “The Simpsons” . . . this is getting old.
12. An “Indiana Jones” sequel and another De La Soul album.
13. “The Sopranos” second season DVD box set — retail value: $79.99.
14. A good athletic team at UW. It’s been too long.
15. A Super Bowl for the Bears with a Michael Jackson half-time show.
16. Twenty-four hours of “Home Alone” instead of “A Christmas Story.”
17. Not boxers. Please. No more boxers.
? AND FOR OTHERS
18. For Michael Jackson, some respect.
19. For Anthony Michael Hall, a comeback.
20. For Freddie Prinze, Jr., Anthony Michael Hall’s current life.
21. For Gene Wilder, a break.
22. For Calista Flockhart, a waist line.
23. For Robert Downey Jr., a clue.
24. For PT Anderson, a realistic attention span.
25. For television, some creativity.
26. For George W. Bush, courage.
27. For George Harrison, a tumor-free brain.
28. For Osama bin Laden, a heart.
29. For me, a pair of ruby red slippers.