Editors’ Note: This is part two in a two-part series of Bizzaro ArtsEtc. Week. ShoutOuts is happy to welcome guest shouter and Stadium Seating columnist Adam Duerson. R & R will return next Tuesday after a weekend of gorging on turkey and green beans.
Green Ketchup
Baby boys were meant to wear blue, girls meant to wear pink, and circus peanuts will forever be orange, but whoever said ketchup had to be red? Not Heinz, for one. Spurning one of man’s numerous inexplicable food-coloring conventions (Brown barbecue sauce? Yellow mustard?), Heinz’ EZ Squirt Ketchup series is the Rosa Parks of condiments. While the eccentric idea has spiraled into the equally ridiculous purple and orange variations, green was the first and will always draw the most “What the f**k?” reactions, especially amongst your right-wing roommates and co-workers. Fear not you apprehensive conformists — green ketchup is safe and has that same, simple salt and sugar taste.
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DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince — He’s the DJ, I’m the Rapper
Cdnow.com’s all-music guide tabbed this “best of artist,” but “best of my youth” might have been more accurate. Before The Fresh Prince went and got a really big head, he teamed up with rap-industry superhero DJ Jazzy Jeff for this superbly produced little album. Arguably the most eclectic assembly of all facets of rap, He’s the DJ… incorporates switches of beat boxing, break-beats, scratching, pass-the-mic and live crowd-working in a tapestry of intelligent and witty hip hop.
“If I was Fred Flintstone, I’d probably own all of Bedrock/ If I was a criminal I’d probably own a cell block/ If I were in the navy I’d probably own the sea/ But I’m a rapper so I own the whole rap industry.” Truer words have never been spoken. Quite possibly the most overconfident celebrity this side of “Neon” Deion “Prime Time” Sanders, The Prince owns this album, shelling out due respects at his own whim and will. Ready Rock C, Charlie Mac and company each possess enough to contribute substantially to at least one song, and Smith gives them their three minutes of fame with “My Buddy,” “Human Video Game” and “Charlie Mack,” but this album oozes confidence, and we should have all seen the enigma that is Will Smith/The Fresh Prince/Ali/etc…coming a long time ago. There’s a reason it’s not called He’s the Rapper, I’m the DJ.
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Bret Easton Ellis
Ellis should be to Madison hipsters what R.L. Stein and “Goosebumps” are to little schoolgirls … but he’s not. Somehow we got too conservative and overlooked this dark and daring bundle of gloom, but his backlog of screen-friendly 80s-era novels is one to dedicate a summer or a gloomy, dark winter to. The depression of winter seems more fitting. If you can stomach “American Psycho,” try seedier, more ambiguous fare, such as the recent “Glamorama.” For every novel you complete, make sure to catch the screen adaptation — they all offer interesting interpretations. “Less than Zero,” “American Psycho” and soon “Rules of Attraction” have made the jump from paper to screen.
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The Bedsheet Toga/Diaper
DIRECTIONS: 1.) Wake up in a drunken stuper. 2.) Shower. 3.) Stumble around pathetically, rummaging for clean boxers. 4.) Fail miserably. Don’t panic. 5.) Grab that bed sheet balled up at the foot of your bed and start wrapping. If ever in need, there’s a far more comfortable substitute to underwear for those long NFL or college football Sunday afternoons spent lounging, bleary-eyed around your apartment. A bed sheet wrapped haphazardly around one’s naked body in any form–the toga and diaper being the most fashionable styles–will last all day and is socially acceptable far into the afternoon. Only when the pizza delivery boy arrives or a library visit is necessitated need one consider altering his or her (the toga being the suggested style for women) attire.
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Honorable mention:
Gene Wilder, Reel.com’s Hollywood Confidential, corndogs, Roger Ebert, State Street Brats’ now-defunct $1 double-stacks, Ricky Jay’s voice, movie previews, Bobby McFerrin, Purel hand wash, 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner, workhorse runningbacks like Jerome Bettis and Anthony Thomas, movie theater-size bags of Reeses Pieces, bathroom paper towels (as opposed to air dryers), Weezer glasses, Dennis Rodman, Tecmo Bowl for Nintendo, the Muppet band, the hook shot, Gritty sauce, Prince’s Crystal Ball acoustic disk, holidays in New York City, the back end of a double feature, Penn State’s football uniform, Yoo-Hoo, “When Harry Met Sally,” the San Diego chicken and free stuff.
