While computer science, often referred to as CS, is UW’s largest major by size, it is also — by many accounts — the smelliest. Non-CS students are known to avoid the CS building due to its stench, and CS students who do maintain good hygiene report having to wear N-95s just to participate in lecture.
“Some of my classmates have fleas,” CS student with good hygiene Elizabeth Nguyen said. “I’m not kidding. They literally have dirt smudged on their cheeks and bits of food in their hair. It’s like ‘Oliver Twist’ — only they smell like giant sewer rats.”
There has been no academic research into why CS majors emit such noxious odors, but Nguyen said that the smelliest students tend to be male and wear flip flops.
CS junior Carmelo Davidson, who is really stinky, said he wears flip flops and doesn’t shower to “enhance his coding abilities”.
“I think it uh … has to do with … um …,” Davidson tilted his head to the side and scratched at his greasy hair with one long-nailed hand.
Davidson’s mouth relaxed into an ‘O’, revealing yellowed teeth.
After Nguyen snapped her fingers in front of his glazed, vacant eyes, he startled and said, “Me code good! My smell makes me code good.”
After this statement Davidson shuffled off and went on his phone. Nguyen, who was interviewing with him, rolled her eyes and poked at him with a special six-foot pole she uses to interact with male CS students.
“You need to shower,” she shouted. “You have fleas.”
“Fleas?” Davidson said, frowning at the unexpected stimulus. “What are fleas?”
“A type of bug, you idiot!”
“Bug?” Davidson said angrily, displaying a rare flash of emotion. “Me debug good good!”
UW Public Health Professor Sarah Langley said the fleas CS students carry may be linked to an outbreak of bubonic plague at the computer science career fair, held last Wednesday.
“One of the employers at the career fair started showing symptoms consistent with the plague shortly after the fair,” Langely said. “Then, he died. Not before infecting half of Chicago, though.”
Langely leaned and said in a whisper, “This isn’t scientific, but it was definitely from one of the CS students. Probably that one right there.”
Langely pointed at Davidson, who was curled in a ball on the ground, listening to “low-fi coding beats” on his phone.
In response to the accusations that its students are causing plague outbreaks, the CS department announced that all classes will be offering extra-credit to students who shower daily.
Nguyen said these measures are good but not good enough.
“We’re also going to need extra credit for wearing deodorant,” Nguyen said. “And for brushing teeth and for not talking about bitcoin.”
“Bitcoin?” Davidson said, perking up from his nap. “Me mine bitcoin good good.”
