There has been a big crackdown on prostitution in Madison as of late. Most people seem shocked when they hear about it. “How could this horrible filth be taking place in Madison?”

Over the past year, this “War on Prostitution,” if you will, has led to more than twice the amount of arrests than in previous years. The Madison Police Department has been combing the streets for seemingly every 50-something lonely man who is willing to lay down a few bucks for some emotionless fellatio. But then, I got to thinking about the definition of “prostitution” as found in the American Heritage Dictionary: The act or practice of engaging in sex acts for hire. Legalized prostitution already goes on thousands of times each weekend in our “puritan city.”

If emotionless sex for money is a crime, then theoretically we should be locking up everyone who has it. One-night stands should be criminal, according to the current law. That hottie you met at the bar the other night and took home after a few rounds with Jose Cuervo was propositioned, paid (in shots), and consented to sex. It’s prostitution, no question about it.

We could have a bunch of Madison Police raiding singles bars. They could randomly ask couples if their sex was going to be predicated on what he bought her at the bar that night or not. If they had proof beyond a reasonable doubt this could be potential emotionless sex that was paid for, then off to jail the couple goes, topped off with a hefty fine.

Personally, I’m a one-woman man who likes a good, old-fashioned relationship rather than emotionless one-night stands, but throwing people in jail for prostitution is ridiculous, since it’s been going on in the human race ever since the first person figured out that the formula for “getting some” with some women and men is as simple as paying for that next drink and the cab fare to his or her apartment. Let’s be honest. Do you really think that Anna Nicole Smith got married to her late husband and billionaire oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall because of his stunning good looks and personality? She wanted his money and Marshall was a lonely old man. He propositioned her with a huge mansion and all the riches she so desired as long as she would do the deed after he popped a bottle of Viagra every once in a while.

I’m not insinuating most guys are like J. Howard Marshall or most women are like Anna Nicole Smith, because to do so would be ridiculous. But it would be equally naive to deny thousands of Friday-night hookups and one-night stands aren’t predicated on the man or woman essentially paying for sex. There really is no philosophical difference between the “sex acts for hire” initiated on a random street in Madison and the ones initiated at a random bar on State Street.

Madison certainly has regressed in its permissive attitude on sex since the days of the ’70s when King Street looked more like Las Vegas. A city that purports to be so progressive when it comes to individual liberty is acting more like Salt Lake City, Utah than Madison, Wis., but prostitution is a rare moment where the morals police of the far-feminist left march in lockstep with the extreme-Christian right.

I don’t like the idea of the government getting involved in the sexual freedoms of any adult male or female. As long as you’ve got two consenting adults, it’s none of the government’s business as to whether it’s true love, a one-night stand, rebound sex, friends with benefits or paid for courtesy of Jim Beam. Madison’s sexual hookups aren’t all holier-than-thou, puritan-based, marital-intentioned acts as a result of handholding walks in the Arboretum and chatter about last Sunday’s church service. Some of them are downright legalized acts of prostitution. It would be a tough job to figure out which ones are morally righteous and which ones aren’t. Some people say that money is the root of all evil. That may or may not be true, but it would be naive to deny that Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Hamilton, Jackson and Franklin had no say in thousands of sex-crazed 20-somethings’ after-hour rendezvous each weekend in this fine city.

Casey Hoff ([email protected]) is a UW student and the host of “New Ground with Casey Hoff,” live Monday through Friday, 9-11 a.m., on Talk Radio 1670 WTDY.