If one thing can be said about Mayor Dave Cieslewicz, it is that he certainly knows how to prioritize his grandiose plans to improve the quality of life for Madisonians. His agenda and ideas are so encapsulating, so vital and so earth shattering. They are all-encompassing, lofty goals and policies that are so fiscally responsible, so pertinent and so forward moving that I thought it would be necessary to share with you exactly what they are as of late.
First, the mayor was in Washington, D.C. this past week to lobby officials for federal grants for important things that Madisonians can’t pay for without raising taxes to exorbitant levels. According to mayoral spokesperson George Twigg, his number one issue while he was at our nation’s capitol was protecting the “train whistle ban” in Madison. You see, the mayor understands the importance of banning train whistles in the city so that you can’t hear trains coming. The train whistle ban, according to Ald. Mike Verveer, District 4, is a “public health issue.” Of course, it’s not a “public health issue” if someone gets flattened like a pancake while crossing the road, but it is if your grandma is awakened for five minutes every two months by one of those evil train conductors recklessly blowing his whistle at a busy intersection.
Second, the mayor just took $500,000 in taxpayer money from you. But don’t worry, this pick pocketing is certainly justified and important, as it will surely affect your life and is as necessary as the $110,000 bike lane the mayor is putting around the Capitol Square to fill a small, half-inch crevice so bikers don’t fall and get a boo boo on their arm. The 500,000 buckaroos in the new plan will go toward installing a “Conservation Carrousel” at the zoo and making the polar bear cage bigger, which will now be complete with an “ice-breaker boat” replica!
The mayor was a regular Johnny Carson when the proposal was introduced and made some great jokes, as he said the city was happy to “seal” the deal and he wasn’t “lion.” Get it? Money for the zoo? Seal? Lion? See, now I know you can rest assured that your hard-earned money is at least going to make the zoo look more like a small-town carnie-fest complete with upgraded accommodations for the polar bears; something that I’m sure you’ve been dreaming about.
Finally, on St. Patrick’s Day (Thursday), the mayor has planned an event called Fit City USA. This is his lofty goal to make Madison the fittest city in America, and he’s suggesting that we all come to the Capitol for a noon walk. People normally are bad boys and girls on St. Patrick’s Day because they drink all that highly caloric, dangerous green beer and eat deep-fried foods after getting intoxicated. The mayor is suggesting that each and every one of you plan on eating “three less bites per day” in order to lose “100 calories.” Mayor Dave likes to show us how to be good citizens, especially since he puts on his little spandex and helmet quite frequently and rides around the city on his bicycle. Maybe you should think about substituting a nice, ice-cold glass of water for that pint this Thursday and joining the mayor in a good old brisk walk instead of doing that beer bong!
In light of the mayor’s current plans for the city, I’m sure that now you’re glad this mayor is doing everything he can to look out for you. In all seriousness, maybe the mayor could think about spending our tax dollars wisely on things that do affect a large portion of his constituency. I’d like to suggest working on keeping blue-collar jobs in this city — as the manufacturing jobs are quickly leaving Madison, and thousands of long-time Madisonians are losing their jobs.
Another issue he could consider is making the small-business climate less hostile so we can get a larger tax base to afford all the necessary services for our citizens, like good health care, affordable housing and services for our schools. We’ve been told we’re in a budget crisis, and yet, this mayor is still focusing his time on completely unnecessary bike lanes around the Capitol, carnival-style carousels, train whistle bans and finding a Fit City USA coordinator. I hate to use the old cliché, but money doesn’t grow on trees. It’s time to get your priorities straight, Mayor Dolittle.
Casey Hoff ([email protected]) is a UW student and the host of “New Ground with Casey Hoff,” live Monday through Friday, 9-11 a.m., on Talk Radio 1670 WTDY.
