It was lopsided from the very beginning.
Who would have thought, that in a battle between The Badger Herald — the independent bastion of freedom and journalism in Madison — and the dAiLy CaRdInAl, the University of Wisconsin State Run Media, it would all come down to something as simple as the Weather app?
For those unfamiliar, the Weather app is able to use groundbreaking technology — synthesizing the power of the cellphone, the internet and years of meteorological data — to predict the weather. It was the Gentle Clowns’ familiarity with this apparatus and an unconfirmed hot tip from Al Roker, that allowed the Herald to demand that the softball game be postponed from last weekend.
This seemed to not sit well with the staff over in the cramped, poorly lit (one would assume that an inability to properly read content is the only explanation for their weekly bowel-movement-in-newspaper-form disservice to the university) office down in the ugly undercarriage of Vilas.
They bleated and crowed. They warbled out something about a “brouhaha,” which incidentally was the closest thing to a pertinent multisyllabic phrase uttered by the birds in years.
After all, who wouldn’t want to play softball in the freezing rain? The Gentle Clowns, that’s who.
Regardless of scheduling concerns, it’s always Hamm’s O’Clock when the Herald is on the case and our four-person staff will have polished off the keg before the Cardinal can say “free rent.”
Now, for the game itself.
The Herald is marching out the finest lineup this side of Bascom Hill has ever seen.
First, upper management. With this three-headed monster of editorship, who is best described as “literate,” at the helm — there is no chance we will lose.
Alice Vagun is the head honcho responsible for outdrinking whatever the largest pigeon at the Cardinal is called. We have faith. Fun fact about Alice is that she was the first person to rhyme “Insane” with “Batman”, and Childish Gambino owes her royalties every time “Freaks and Geeks” plays.
Managing Editor Yusra Murad was recently awarded “Roast of the year”, thanks to her performance in the DM’s of the Dirty Bird last week.
Managing Editor Teymour Tomsyck is as tall as he is apathetic, need we say more?
Now, for the infantry:
Batting first will be second baseman Lucas “I made a game-saving play in eighth-grade little league” Johnson.
Rounding out the top third of the lineup will be outfielders Will “I’m currently writing this and uncomfortable” Stern and Danny “Has been the sports editor longer than he has been the sports editor” Farber.
At cleanup will be third baseman Molly “Can’t get Kevin Jonas to leave her alone” Liebergall followed by shortstop Peyton “I will shove this oxford comma so far up your-” David.
Batting sixth is the power hitting Henry “There is no ethical consumption in baseball” Solotaroff-Webber.
At DH and up seventh will be Emily “Narrowly avoided a pyramid scheme” Hamer followed by Outfielder Riley “There will Pinot mercy” Steinbrenner.
Next will be the catcher Ben “Knows almost every rule of baseball from a high school class” Sefarbi.
The lineup will end with our best-underhanded pitcher Jeremy “God’s plan” Frodl.
Not to mention our secret weapons which will be revealed when the time comes. We wish the Dirty Birds luck, or rather, better luck than they had last week at the WNA Awards.