After a three-semester wait, The Badger Herald’s sports ban was waived Wednesday by University of Wisconsin’s School of Journalism and Mass Communication just in time for its yearly gridiron battle with embattled teen home and part-time newspaper the Daily Cardinal.

Citing a bevy of charity work, including playing nicely with the DC’s troubled teens during a football game last year and letting them win to boost their meager sense of self-worth, SJMC Supreme Overlord James Baughman overruled the majority vote from the Spring of 2013 and repealed the sanctions levied against the Heraldistas.

Following the release of the news late Wednesday night, Gentle Clown Editor-in-Chief Tara “T-Money” Golshan could be heard yelping while editing pages and, after her nervous spell subsided, she sat down to address the media that had already been present for much of the night.

“I’m just glad I didn’t have to interact with those heathens last spring,” Golshan said in reference to her conveniently-timed study abroad in France last semester, which caused her to miss the feel-good softball game for the Dirty Birds. “But now that I’m back and the ban is over, it’s time to teach those damn kids a lesson since apparently they haven’t learned anything at that group home of theirs — I think they call it Vilas or something, I don’t know, man.”

Thanks to her stay in France, a renewed and much coarser Golshan – who has been perpetually wine-drunk since returning to the states – will lead the Gentle Clowns into battle against the Dirty Bird misfits in the first legitimate game since the Clowns’ dominating 28-14 performance in 2012.

Besides occupying the offensive coordinator position, or offensive “constructive critiquer” as she refers to it, Golshan will carry the Herald’s collective torch into battle in the chug-off against the presumed prepubescent high school junior and Dirty Bird Ringleader Jack Casey.

While out to lunch with his mom at a local Pizza Hut Monday afternoon in between his penmanship and social studies classes, Casey outlined his “diabolical” scheme in crayons provided by the waitress.

“By the hair on my chiny, chin, chin, I just don’t see how we can lose this game,” Casey squeaked while rubbing his clearly hairless chin. “Mom doesn’t like it when I go out on the weekend because I’m supposed to do my school work, but if I can sneak out of the house, the rest will be a piece of cake.”

But the Dirty Birds, who require adult supervision for most tasks including making their newspaper look-a-like picture book, aren’t the only ones with youth to spare. After graduating a core group of seniors a year ago, the Gentle Clowns will look to a talented influx of youngsters headed by inside linebacker sophomore Publisher John “Frat Attack” Batterman.

Despite some indecision about his uniform Saturday, which will likely consist of some combination of his assortment of boat shoes and pastel shorts, Batterman anchors a defense still in the midst of growing pains. The rather young Gentle Clown secondary will have his hands full with Dirty Bird second string quarterback Haley Henschel since starter Jim Dayton is still nursing a bad case of the yips due to a treacherous outbreak of gingervitis. Henschel, who used Microsoft Paint to design the Cardinal’s playbook, will likely target the back end of the BH’s defense (Design Directors Emily “Did You Submit a Request For That” Shullaw and Kenna “Chuckles” Schacht). Although Shullaw just recently joined the Gentle Clowns, the senior strong safety has provided some valuable mentoring for Schacht, who can now play Tampa Two and create graphs, all while laughing hysterically.

Cornerback and sports writer Jamie “Mr. Steal Yo Gurl” DeGraff will help bolster the pass defense in between intercepting digits from the Dirty Birds’ female contingent.

“I might be young, but … Ay girl can I get your number?” DeGraff said, pausing the interview when he noticed a girl waltz by him with Starbucks in hand.

However, the Gentle Clowns’ real strength when it doesn’t have the ball lies in its defensive line, which consists of Digital Managing Editor Polo “The Secret Weapon” Rocha and Associate Sports Editor Chris “The Poster Child” Bumbaca. Bumbaca will pass rush with an unrestrained and unrefined style typical of his New York roots, while Rocha will brandish a Diet Coke and scream “hashtag content!” while making a beeline for backfield to execute his trademarked sport’s play, which he refers to as a sack.

Meanwhile, Online News Editor Rachael “Oh, Bloody ‘Ell” Lallensack and Copy Editor Maddy “Get Him to the Greek” Michaelides will both see time in the dime package in third-and-long situations, due to their superior distracting abilities, including Lallensack’s affinity for accents and Michaelides’ taste for spewing utter nonsense.

On the offensive side of the ball, head coach and Sports Editor Dan “Grandpa, Stop” Corcoran has yet to disclose a starting quarterback but has narrowed his choices to Sports Content Editor “Uncle Airik” Kohlbeck and Managing Editor Katie “#sport” Caron.

“Jesus Christ – get the hell off my lawn you little bastards. I just put that shit in,” Corcoran bellowed as he shook his fist violently at a group of kids getting too close to his newly planted grass in his front yard. “Sorry, what was the question again?”

Regardless of the quarterback situation, the Gentle Clowns will rely heavily on a rushing attack spearheaded by Erik “Danger Zone” Sateren, who has adopted a style previously unseen from a running back. Sateren’s style gracefully blends the “genuine guy” and “get the fuck out of my way” approaches and involves him caressing the ball while mauling defenders like a mother bear protecting her cub. He will be accompanied by Ads Director Nick “Right Away” Rush, who, in addition to being able to actually sell ads, was born to run–or rush, if you will.

The receiving corps of Danny “The Bears Still Suck” McKay and Photo Editor Joey “Too Nice” Reuteman should have career days against a Dirty Bird pass defense that will have resorted to throwing fecal matter at pages and calling it a sports column instead of actually defending.

But with the termination of the Gentle Clowns’ sporting ban, even without the services of News Editor Alex “Ape Savage” Arriaga (work), ArtsEtc. Editor Selena “New Jersey Isn’t That Bad” Handler and Opinion Editor Briana “Insert Opinion Here” Reilly (still in line at Noodles), the BH doesn’t have to forfeit this year which makes it a strong favorite as per the usual.