To put it simply, winning is The Daily Cardinal way.
The Majestic Birds outplayed, outdrank and outlasted The Badger Herald on Saturday, winning 10-9 at Vilas Park. To no one’s surprise, the Cardinal won its fourth straight softball game and completed the season sweep after its flag football victory in the fall.
After last year’s 12-1 snore fest, the Cardinal decided to make this year a little more interesting. After giving The Badger Herald a six-run cushion, the Majestic Birds showed up in the final inning to do what everyone knew would happen.
Brett “Mr. Steal Your Girl” Bachman hit an inside-the-park grand slam in the top of the seventh inning, which caused every Heralder’s pants to smell suspiciously more like piss.
“My strategy was to hit it straight up the middle,” Bachman said as he autographed the chests of a few female fans. “They couldn’t field for shit, so hitting it right at them and watching them fall over gave me the best odds.”
Manager Jonah Beleckis, who can actually be seen doing a few push-ups in the Cardinal’s softball video preview, eloquently expressed his post-game thoughts.
“Look at me, cameraman, I’m turnt off Sunkist,” Beleckis said while simultaneously two-stepping, salsa dancing and doing the John Wall. “I do it for my momma and I do it for the Cardinal. Fuck with me.”
The Herald made one of many questionable decisions in the game’s final inning when it intentionally walked Jim “Big Red” Dayton in a slow-pitch softball game. Yeah, that happened.
After the game, Cardinal Editor-in-Chief Abby Becker added her thoughts after trudging through crying Heralders on the field.
“Blood,” Becker said.
Managing Editor Mara Jezior may have missed the final outs of the game while going to the bathroom, but she did show up in time to help the Herald finish their keg, a pattern for the past inter-newspaper football and softball games.
Herald Edtior-in-Chief and Resident Harpy Katherine Krueger tried to brush off the loss, but let’s be honest, she felt pretty shitty. Look for her modesty to give way in the form of another full page dedicated to just herself, where she expresses her thoughts in space that would probably be better spent for something remotely journalistic.
“I knew my team needed my help, so I did what I do best: struck the fuck out swinging,” she said while shamefully washing “I love the Cardinal” off her face. “I stopped watching halfway through because I really don’t think these other people should be working at the Herald. I’d do better running this thing into the ground by myself.”
Still, the best part of the game was how good the Majestic Birds looked. Herald Arts Editor Erik Sateren spent most of his time totally fangirling the Cardinal squad. His penchant for photo bombing them was just a thinly veiled demonstration of his true allegiance.
“I just wanted to feel beautiful for, like, one moment,” he said. “The Cardinalistas have a certain kind of sexiness I just can’t handle. If they opened their own snuggle house, I would definitely make it over on a regular basis.”
Herald Sports Content Editor Dan Corcoran ended up writing a column of his journey home from the softball game, which included his shoe coming untied and a trip to McDonald’s to see if they were still selling Shamrock Shakes. To his dismay, they weren’t.
Ultimately, the point is that the Cardinal won. It’s, like, whatever. After losing many graduating seniors, the Herald tossed around the idea of forfeiting next season’s football and softball matchups in order to “rebuild.”
Incoming Cardinal Editor-in-Chief Jack Casey didn’t think that was a bad idea.
“I mean, at this point, we know we don’t face any real competition in news production,” Casey said. “We used to rely on these games on the fields of Vilas Park for that competition, but now apparently the Herald has managed to screw that up as well. Fuck, man.”