The last time The Badger Herald beat The Daily Cardinal in softball, Lance Armstrong was still an American hero, the world was beginning to embrace Bieber fever and MTV’s Jersey Shore had only completed its first viewer-enriching season.
Although no time in history can ever hope to repeat such a golden age as that magical month of May 2010, the Gentle Clowns (1-0) are hoping to break their curse against the Dirtiest of Birds (0-Life) Saturday afternoon on the diamonds of soggy Vilas Park.
After an inspired and complete ass-kicking on the gridiron this past October over their campus rival, the Clowns hope to send out the greatest Clown of all, Editor-in-Chief and Dictator-for-life Ryan “Durkin” Rainey, a champion one final time.
“This game is all about honoring Ryan,” a blushing managing editor/secretary Kathy Cougar said, staring at a life-size marble bust of the EIC in her room she may or may not have made in her spare time. “He’s just … he’s amazing,OK? He’s like a combination of Barbara Bush, Bill O’Reilly and Oprah.”
Leading the Clowns’ effort on the mound for the second consecutive year will be the lovable Ian “Big Bird” McCue, whose job was not slashed by Mitt Romney due to his binders full of pitches. With legs the size of skyscrapers that make up five feet of his 6-foot-4 frame, McCue will bring to the rubber at least 10 tins of chewing tobacco and his newly perfected “Natty-ball.”
“It starts out really decent and tolerable but eventually leaves you feeling bloated and shitty at the end of the day,” McCue said of the pitch while putting in a plug of tobacco the size of an elephant dropping. “Really, it’s a perfect metaphoric representation of the beer that has led to the downfall of my GPA the past four years.”
If McCue needs relief from his duties – which may be the case if he gets into local bro Noah “G-Money” Goetzel’s backpack Fleischmann stash – the Clowns may have the chance to send out a plethora of young arms from the newsroom.
Cammy “T-Rex” Albert might be available to close if she takes a break from the arm-wrestling circuit, Julia “Yeti” Skulstad will throw “if she feels like it,” and Tara “Mud” Golshan will pitch only if design director Angus McNair admits he is capable of showing emotion.
“Holy G-force Batman! What the potatoes do I do with all this talent?” Herald manager and manhole cover fan Andy Fate said, who after great difficulty emerged from the photo cupboard.
With the pitching set in stone, the hopes of the Herald lie solely on the bats of two of the most prolific hitters of all time: Katie “Kittens” Caron and Sean “Wolfman” Kirkby. The only problem is, neither of the two are anywhere near Madison.
Three days ago, Caron was spotted on a sleigh being pulled by a team of 16 stray felines to what she called “the magical Spanish kingdom of Cat-alonia”. The Clowns are in desperate need of the sensational sophomore, whose whiskers and knowledge of the Dirty Birds’ players with allergies to felis catus have made her an extremely effective nine-lives player.
While Caron brings the finesse, Kirkby hits for pure power. Besides serving as Barry Bonds’ trainer for most of his youth, one of Kirkby’s hits in the 2011 rivalry game actually exited the earth’s atmosphere and punctured a hole in the International Space Station. Hearing of the dire situation and the suffocating Russian cosmonauts, Kirkby simply hit his next home run in the same spot “to debrain one of the damn ruskies.”
Recently discovered to be in the vicinity of Northern Wisconsin, thanks to being collared and castrated by the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources, in 2010 as part of an ongoing study on wolf behavior, Kirkby has recently taken the title of alpha-male in a pack making its territorial claim just south of Tomahawk in his latest power-training regimen.
“This fresh air and raw meat just does me some good,” Kirkby said between intermittent howls in a phone interview. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to the group. We have some schoolchildren on the menu tonight.
“Little red riding hood ain’t got shit on us,” he growled under his breath.
Rounding out the Herald ranks in the batting order is perennial MVP and high school has-been Sean “Diva” Zak. To prepare for a high-level performance between naps, Zak has gone to class drunk the past three weeks to train for the attentiveness he will need to actually hit a medium sized object with what he called “a toothpick.”
The Herald DL is once again full to bursting, with star shortstop Sigrid “Waffles” Hubertz out with apathy; centerfielder Leopolda “Muffins” Rocha struggling with a strained frontal lobe; and catcher Nick Daniels questionable with a hangnail because “he’s a wussy.”
Despite the injuries, the Clowns are motivated, hellbent on revenge and ready to get slightly inebriated.
“I haven’t been able to get the taste of defeat out of my mouth since last year,” Zak said. “Seriously, I ate a fucking piece of dirt from the outfield to remember what losing felt like. I’m still finding blades of grass when I floss.”
