For sports fans, the month of February can be a fairly lackluster time.

With football taking a mini-hiatus, baseball still on the back burner and the NBA dragging on in the 10th circle of hell (its regular season), the second month of the year can create quite a deficiency for those addicted to sports. With only college basketball (and college hockey, if you are into that) producing any real drama or intrigue, those of us who watch ESPN or read Sports Illustrated are usually left wanting more.

Thankfully, President Obama’s message of change has enveloped the entire country, including the sports figures we so desperately crave. With few actual games to create big headlines this month (relatively speaking of course), individuals took it upon themselves to give us something to talk about, read about, and most importantly, laugh about.

This February, athletes of all ages and across every sport have been participating in a perverse game of who can screw up the most.

First, we have Michael Phelps and his innovative breathing exercises. Phelps’ picture was released right at the end of January, starting this month off with a scandalous bang. I certainly won’t throw stones from my glass apartment, but I have to question Phelps’ judgment of smoking what may or may not have been marijuana at a crowded house party. Although the punishment itself was minimal — USA Swimming suspended him for three months to “send a strong message to Michael” — the hit to his reputation and self-esteem couldn’t have been fun. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t enjoy being the butt of constant jokes on a national scale. Still, given all the off-the-field headlines this month, Phelps’ bong rip rates last on the scale of dumb decisions.

Next up, we have the man who has made the biggest splash recently, the baseball player formerly known as Alex Rodriguez. While A-Fraud’s decision to use steroids is certainly disappointing, nothing in baseball should really surprise the fans anymore. And A-Roid did eventually come clean, so he deserves some credit for that (especially compared to how Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens have handled their public floggings). Perhaps most embarrassing about the whole situation was how ESPN’s Peter Gammons handled the interview. Instead of grilling the Yankee third baseman after weak answers, Gammons moved on to another line of questions, letting the former Texas Ranger off easy. While this saga is certainly far from over, the three-time MVP currently only ranks in the middle of this dumb decision list.

Getting to the meat of this list, Tennessee head coach Lane Kiffin has made headlines lately for some very questionable decisions. First, the precocious first-year coach bragged that, “I love the fact that Urban [Meyer] had to cheat and still didn’t get [Nu’Keese Richardson].” Several things are wrong about this statement. For one, Meyer didn’t cheat, and he didn’t commit any recruiting violations. Most importantly though, Kiffin pissed off a coach who has won two national championships in the past four years and has a history of holding grudges (see: calling timeouts to run up the score at Georgia this year). Always a smart thing to do before you have coached your first game. The most incredible part of this whole scenario, however, is that Tennessee fired Phillip Fulmer to hire Kiffin. To put it another way, UT fired a guy who had won a national championship and only experienced one losing season in 16 years to hire someone Al Davis once hired to coach his football team. For these moves, Tennessee and Lane Kiffin come in second for dumbest decisions of the month.

Finally, this brings us to the winner of our cynical game, the legendary COO of the MLB players union, Gene Orza. The man behind the most powerful union in sports, Orza allowed for the entire A-Fraud debacle with his arrogant decision-making. Instead of destroying the anonymous list that exposed the New York slugger, Orza decided to try and fight it to prevent drug testing in 2004. Orza lost his fight, and the resulting mess with the BALCO names kept the 2003 list alive. Basically, Orza’s blunder exposed the most prolific player in the game. So has Orza apologized? Owned up to his mistake? Hardly. Instead, arrogant as usual, Orza has refused to discuss the list or the allegations that he has tipped off players about forthcoming steroid tests.

So, thank you players, coaches and even the head of a union. Without laughing at your pain, we would have nothing else to laugh at.

Michael is a junior majoring in journalism. Think others should have made the list? Think Michael’s brand of cynicism is nauseating? Let him know at [email protected].