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The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

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Last hoorah for pair of Point-Counterpoint legends

[media-credit name=’DAVE MCGRATH/Herald photo compilation’ align=’alignright’ width=’336′]PCPhoto[/media-credit]McGrath: April 25, 2004: The humble beginnings of the global phenomenon that is Point-Counterpoint. Future Herald Sports Hall-of-Famer Tom Ziemer had a career-defining performance in upstaging Adam Parks (comparable to Don Majkowski), arguing that Rodgers was the steal of the 2005 draft, being not only the heir-apparent to Wisconsin deity Brett Favre, but superior to Captain Turnover already. I mean, at least when Rodgers throws the ball he does actually look at his receivers and not just launch the ball 50 yards downfield like one of those old ball-shooting machines from American Gladiators. …

Poppy: McGrath is being more boneheaded than Skeletor on this point. It's obvious Aaron Rodgers was a horrible choice for the Pack in 2005. He's just lucky he hasn't been able to get any playing time behind the best football player of all time (you know his name — Brett Favre).

If Rodgers were to ever play, he would prove that he's the next Tim Couch, or the next Akili Smith or the next Cade McNown — heck, Rodgers belongs in the draft class of 1999.

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The Packers made a big mistake by passing up a major talent. Green Bay could've drafted Luis Castillo, who San Diego took just four picks later. Sure, he's a second baseman, but everyone knows the Packers could use some help at skills positions, and speed always helps. I'm not exactly sure why the Chargers are playing him at defensive tackle, or how he's also playing for the Twins.

If Parks was still around for Point-Counter Point today, he would've been furious with the Packers' draft this year. Justin Harrell? Are you kidding me?

But while hardcore Packers fans like St. Vincent were crying for a running back or wide receiver, Green Bay general manager Ted Thompson was right in going with a defensive player. He just should've taken Florida safety Reggie Nelson instead.

Born with the same first name as Reggie Jackson, Nelson was born for great things. It would've only been a matter of time before Nelson was running down the sidelines pumping his fist following a home run of a pick-6 …

McGrath: Pop's argument here is weaker than an Urkel punch: Reggie Jackson? That guy had nerdier glasses than the aforementioned Laura-lover. No, Nelson was destined for greatness because he received the name of the immortal Reggie Bush, who makes moves on the football field more impressive than some of the jukes and jives John Travolta pulled out in "Saturday Night Fever."

Speaking of which, word on the street is that Travolta is the world's worst bowler, throwing gutter balls even with bumpers on. If you are looking for a celebrity that could truly make it in the world of professional sports, look no further than Pauly Shore, who would make a spectacular NHL goaltender. Sure, he's like 5-foot-2 and 78 pounds, but any skater worth his false teeth would be aiming not for the net but squarely for Shore's head. He'd never give up a goal because the opposing team would constantly be trying to give him puck-shaped bruises or would constantly be outmanned due to the countless roughing calls he will draw when opponents drop-kick him.

Poppy: McGrath's point receives a less-than-stellar "Whoopee!" The best celebrity-turned-athlete is, without a doubt, Eddie Griffin. Did you see him crash that $1.5 million Ferrari Enzo?

Not only that, but then he laughed it off, saying, "Undercover Brother's good at karate and all the rest of that, but the brother can't drive." NASCAR could use a guy like Griffin. Sure, he wouldn't win a race any time soon, but he'd sure make things interesting. Or better yet, make a spin-off of "Celebrity Boxing." Something like "Celebrity Racing": See which star can demolish the most expensive car first!

But Eddie Griffin the actor's car crash doesn't even compare to Eddie Griffin the basketball player's car crash. This Griffin reportedly got into an accident while masturbating to pornography in his SUV. My guess is that he was watching some X-rated version of "Deuce Bigalow" in honor of the other Eddie Griffin.

Best. Car crash. Ever.

McGrath: Of course Poppy (who openly campaigned Keenen Thompson's "Snakes on a Plane" performance for an Oscar) would sing the praises of Eddie Griffin, but once again he is farther off. The greatest crash in the history of sports didn't actually involve a car but an airboat parachute. Of course, I refer to Fan Man, who crashed into a turnbuckle ring during a prizefight in 1993. The only thing that would've made the fight better would be if it had taken place not during a boxing match, but during WrestleMania, so that "Macho Man" Randy Savage could've delivered his famous flying elbow to Aerial Airboat.

Of course, such physical exertion would leave even the Macho King sweaty and parched (especially if he had snapped into a salty Slim Jim recently), and he'd have to reach for the Go-GURT, the greatest sports drink on the market, delivering a fruitful, thirst quenching bacterial culture that also satisfies as a meal in a pinch.

Poppy: Go-GURT was said to be yogurt with attitude. Please, that's like saying Blatz is Milwaukee's finest beer. … Wait, that's actually their slogan.

Anyway, there's no doubt the best sports drink is none other than Infuse. It's the exact same thing as Gator-, Power- or any other -ade that's out there, except it's cheaper … just like Blatz.

Better yet, Infuse is sold at Aldi's — the best grocery store in America. Who cares what brand the food is as long as it's really, really cheap? Sure, you have to bag your own food, but just bring your punk kid-brother to do the dirty work.

Plus, Aldi's is slowly, but surely expanding. Now you can buy digital cameras, computers and other electronic products there. I know Aldi's is the first place I'd want to purchase such products; no other place could possibly be as reliable.

McGrath: If you like paying for shopping carts and only having one brand of anything (like T.G.I. Friday's Potato Wedge chips as the sole potato chip option) to choose from and really creepy clientele, then you'll like Aldi's. As for me, I happen to think it — and Pop Goes the Weasel's argument, for that matter — are worse than dog poo on the bottom of your shoe. Besides, word on the street is that Richard Simmons, — maybe the most influential Point-Counterpoint icon of all time — shops for computers there often.

The only time you want to be near Mr. "Creepiest guy since Carl Golden" is if he is staring you down on the opposite end of a dodgeball court, guaranteeing victory. In fact, if I were to choose one person who had the worst hair, attitude, dress and overall game in the world of sports it would certainly be the gymnast Mr. Dick Simmons.

Poppy: Simmons may be the worst of many topics, but the worst general (that is, combining all aspects from looks to skill) is none other than Tyrone Hill.

First off, he's hideous. He looks a human version of Dracula's batty formation. Secondly, he sucks.

Citing Wikipedia, Hill struggles from Brick Hands Syndrome, "a syndrome where hands are permanently in an erect position, and it makes [catching] the ball nearly impossible." Man, Hill played 14 seasons with these erect hands. He really should've consulted his doctor. That's longer than the recommended 4 hour-limit with an erection for pills like Cialis.

McGrath: So this is it, the final PCP for two legends with five semesters of Point-Counterpoint experience and the end of an era. From arguments on worst five-man dodgeball team, the NBA's Comeback Player of the Year, worst sports musician and best footwear, the debates are sure to join the ranks of Roe v. Wade and Watergate.

Finally though, I think we can all agree on one thing:

Point: McGrath.

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