Back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back … Gone!

Is there a more apt way to describe Chris Berman's run on NFL Primetime than using this classic Berman phrase (albeit a baseball one)? After coming back year after year with the perfect NFL highlight show, Berman is suddenly gone. Sunday nights will never be the same.

Along with losing the best way to finish up a football Sunday and warm up for Sunday Night Football, we will be losing all the classic "Berman-isms," — "Marshall, Marshall, Marshall!" Curtis "My Favorite" Martin, Jake "Daylight Come and You Gotta" Delhomme — that have made Berman so beloved over the years.

However, the most worrisome aspect of this terrible decision by ESPN is the continuance of a very disturbing trend in sports today: the deterioration of the sports nickname.

Classic monikers have been in steady decline for some time now. A quick glance across the so-called "nicknames" of many of today's best athletes makes the truth chillingly clear.

Here is a thumbnail sketch of the nicknames of some of our biggest sports stars today: T.O., Zo, L.T. (x2), K.G., L.J., C-Webb, J-Will, Bron-Bron (Are you kiddin' me?), Melo, T-Mac, D-Wade, K-Mart, Edge, Sheed, Spree and Shaq.

Notice any pattern here? Like that maybe, possibly, they could all be just slightly-altered or abbreviated versions of their everyday names? How much creativity is in that? Booooring!

Quick note: I give A-Rod a pass here. The nickname A-Rod was original at the time of its creation. However, much like Allen Iverson's (A.I.'s) arm sleeve, which eventually led to those hideous leg stockings, the once cool nickname eventually created a monster.

How much effort does it take to come up with nicknames like those? Every single person on the planet — with the exception of Madonna, Cher and the Brazilian national soccer team — can instantly create a similar nickname for themselves. I could be D-Mac or D.M., just like that.

Making matters worse, it isn't like non-initialized nicknames we are coming up with these days are exactly Hall of Fame-worthy.

For example, when talking about the size of a player, the adjective 'big' typically comes into play when creating a player's handle. The Big Unit, The Big Easy, Big Papi, Big Country, Big Nasty, Big Dawg, Big Daddy … the list goes on. Now all of those guys are undeniably sizable, but that doesn't excuse the use of a third-grade creativity and nomenclature. Actually, third graders surely could do better, with those wild imaginations and all. I'll take Ed "Too Tall" Jones, or "King Kong" Kluger any day.

Other nicknames are just plain stinkers. Like "Lefty," which is most commonly used by Phil Mickelson, but applies to roughly 8 to 15 percent of the population. Not exactly a monument of creativity. Or Jake "The Snake," which was used by a WWF wrestler long before the Broncos' quarterback Jake Plummer, making it unimaginative. That is, unless you are referring to Plummer's game being on par with the roto-rooter, a common plumbing tool often referred to as a snake. In that case, touché.

It's pretty clear that the art of nicknaming is in a serious crisis.

How did we fall so far away from the golden age of monikers? In baseball, names like "Shoeless" Joe Jackson, "The Splendid Splinter" Ted Williams, Willie "Hit 'em Where They Ain't" Keeler, "Hammerin'" Hank Aaron, "The Georgia Peach" Ty Cobb and "The Yankee Clipper" Joe DiMaggio.

Or in football, greats like "The Galloping Ghost" Red (a nickname itself) Grange, Billy "White Shoes" Johnson, Dick "Night Train" Lane and "Mercury" Morris.

Even hockey has its fair share of hot handles, too, with greats like "Mr. Hockey" Gordie Howe, "The Golden Jet" Bobby Hull, Bernie "Boom Boom" Geoffrian and "The Chicoutimi Cucumber" Georges Vezina.

Even the team or unit nicknames were awesome, like Houston's "Phi Slamma Jamma," The No-Name Defense, The Orange Crush, The Steel Curtain and the Purple People Eaters.

I hate to sound like whiny Sergio Garcia, but they really just don't make them like they used to. But lest I be too one-sided, I will admit that while the recent general sample is poor, there are a few pretty orchids dotting this manure pile.

Names like Christian Okoye's (you might only remember him from Tecmo Super Bowl at this point) "Nigerian Nightmare," Rod Smart's "He Hate Me," "Iron" Mike Tyson/Ditka and Craig "Ironhead" Heyward all are pretty solid. The Answer, The Mailman, The Intimidator and The Golden Brett (extra points for the father-son combo), all receive passing grades as well.

Also, some of today's terrible nicknames work because of just how ironically bad they are. For example, calling perennial loser Stephon Marbury "Starbury," or calling Steve Francis "Stevie Franchise", because he is anything but, having been traded twice in the past couple of years. Or how about "FredEx" Freddy Mitchell, who was out of the league last year after dubbing himself as the guy who "always delivered," when in reality all he ever really delivered were preposterous quotes to the media.

Sadly, with Berman losing his biggest and best pulpit for preaching out nickname gospel, the creative handle business has taken another rather devastating hit.

But all is not lost! Now is the perfect an opportunity for the next generation of moniker bestowers to rise up and turn the tide of the battle, just like naked Ned Braden in "Slap Shot."

All we have to do is to start slapping nicknames on people. I mean, gems like "The Polar Bear" Brian Butch had to start somewhere, right?

So, how about Rowdy Roddy Rogers? Or, if you want to be a pest, Ted Ginn and Tonic? Kammron "Don't Call Me Chris Rock" Taylor? "Silent but Deadly" Sara Bauer?

I'll admit, I'm no "Boomer" yet, but maybe one day I… COULD… GO… ALL… THE … WAAAAAAAAY.

'Miami' Dave McGrath is a senior majoring in English and Journalism. If you've got some awesome new nicknames for him or anyone else, or just have questions or comments, you can reach him at [email protected]

Top 10 Nicknames:
1. Broadway Joe
2. Air Jordan
3. The Answer
4. Killer, Kowalski, Carlson
5. Anything for Babe Ruth
6. Crazylegs Hirsch
7. John Hot Plate Williams
8. Ironhead Hayward
9. Oil-Can Boyd
10. Booger McFarland