St. Valentine's Day: A chance to show your significant other exactly how much you love and appreciate her, with chocolate, jewelry and pink things (like The Badger Herald masthead today … yech) typically being the medium of choice to convey such a message.
However, that's not the way I'm looking to celebrate this Valentine's Day (Sorry, babe, no shinies this year). No, instead of appreciating what we have, it's time to look for something better, an upgrade if you will. So now I will don my cupid wings (but no diaper), grab my bow and arrows and set out to play matchmaker with the sporting world's finest.
First on the list would be the terminally crabby owner of the New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, who is as controlling an owner as you will ever find in this world. The cantankerous, impulse-spending cretin certainly will not like me and my arrows telling him who he is in love with, which is (drum roll, please) … former Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott.
Sure, she is no longer living, but that won't stop her from finding ways to insult whoever Georgie-boy doesn't. The pro-Hitler chain smoker, Schott would be the perfect match for Steinbrenner, especially since he couldn't get rid of her (you can't divorce a dead person, or so I hear), which was a real problem for George in the past as he has changed managers 20 times during his tenure as owner.
Steinbrenner's decision making is over second-guess, much like my next victim.
Boxing chump Mike Tyson has been a little misguided (understatement of the year candidate) over the past few years and probably could use a little companionship to stabilize his career, which has fallen further than Vanilla Ice's. We'll match Iron Mike up with someone who can match his instability mood-swing for mood-swing: former Olympic figure skater and current celebrity boxing punching bag Tonya Harding.
Even though Mike would have trouble beating a rug at this point, his self-esteem would rise if matched with Harding, who has often been accused of sabotaging her own career to avoid failure. Tyson wins, Harding loses, everybody's happy. Though Tyson would have to wear knee braces and kneepads 24-7, I'm guessing that won't be a problem for a guy with tattoos on his face.
As much as a facial tattoo can help a guy stick out in a crowd, Shaquille O'Neal is a pretty recognizable figure too. As one of the only landmarks that can be seen from the surface of the moon at 7-foot-2, 330 pounds — plus, he is one of the most beloved athletes in the world, but has a reputation for being lazy.
So, in hopes that some work ethic rubs off we'll pair him up with someone who always gives it her all: former Olympian pixie Mary Lou Retton, who tops out at 4-foot-9, 95 pounds. Could they have any more in common? Both have gold medals from the summer Olympics, both have brown eyes and Retton reportedly can't shoot free throws, either.
Staying with Oympians, softball great Jennie Finch has been seeing mediocre MLB pitcher Casey Daigle way too long. One of the greatest pitchers in the history of her sport needs to be matched with someone having a comparable resume.
Phil Mickelson is that man, as he is unquestionably the "pitcher" (man with a pitching wedge) on the PGA tour. Plus, he would then assume his rightful position in second-place to Tiger Woods, for having the best trophy wife.
When it comes to trophies, few women have accumulated more than Tennessee women's basketball coach Pat Summit. Summit is quite the intimidating figure, often wearing all black and screaming like a raving, enraged banshee at games. In short, she has a definite masculine edge to her.
To offset the balance, we'll bring in Illinois head man Bruce Weber, who loves to run (as oppose to fight down low), often wears bright orange and tends to "yell" and talk in a voice of much higher timbre than your average man. Put them together and you have the hormonal balance of your average couple.
With only one arrow left, we'll put together a duo that together could make large strides to repair the national debt: Wayne Gretzky's current wife, Janet Jones, and Pete Rose.
These two are the reason Las Vegas makes so much money. Jones allegedly bet $5,000 on the coin toss of the Super Bowl (the coin toss!), and over $100,000 total in a major hockey gambling ring. Rose only threw away his immortality, by betting thousands, possibly millions on major-league baseball, thus earning himself a lifetime ban from the Hall of Fame.
These two would have a blast together, betting on everything from the winner of the Little League World Series to how old the star pitcher actually is for the champion team.
Wow, what a superb Valentine's Day it would be if those were our relationship role models. Pink would no longer be the color of the holiday (yes!), since instead we'd probably have to go with black and blue.
