Confusion reined at the Kohl Center Wednesday, as students camping outside the facility in search of Herald/Cardinal ’03 football tickets were miffed to find seats being issued for another contest set to occur Saturday at Camp Randall stadium.
Due to this scheduling inconvenience, the vaunted matchup between the two campus dailies has been set for 3:30 p.m. in Madison’s Vilas Park.
“Our training regimen has been entirely thrown off,” remarked Drew “The Coach” Hansen through the corner of his whistle-wielding lips. “But we understand CBS is still planning its live coverage.”
This year’s matchup features a dominating mix of veterans and rookies for The Badger Herald, while the notoriously eclectic group of mugwumps is expected to be fielded by the Dirty Bird.
The Herald’s lineup remains largely a mystery entering game day, but Hansen, an Alexandria, Va., native, was willing to divulge a few details.
Mike Giefer has been named the starting quarterback and will look to continue his history of long-distance hookups with receiver Stacy Hicklin.
Office linebacker D-Rock Montgomery will set down his camera and opt instead to shoot through the Bird’s offensive line from the fullback position. The Herald will also use the extreme versatility of associate sports editors Brandon C. Gullicksrud and Joe “The Muscle” Ziemer to produce an array of passing and running that will likely cause fits for the Dirty Bird defense.
In last year’s tie game, the Bird’s defense was unable to contain the Herald running attack, admitting that they didn’t know what to do with so much space.
After finishing an intense week of two-a-day practices, Hansen announced that fellow sports editor Roger Anderson had earned a starting spot at the wide receiver, or Justin Timberlake, position.
Defensive coordinator Paul “My Body Is A” Temple released a statement Wednesday summing up his defensive strategy.
“The Cubbies in six,” Temple raved. “There’s just no way the Bird can stop us with the Cubbies still alive in the postseason.”
Alongside fellow offensive coordinator Tina Daglas, John Zeratsky has been painstakingly designing plays for the Herald offense.
With Cary Dohman and Mike Jones representing the best of the Dirty Bird depth chart, it appears as though the Bird will have no chance in covering, or playing in, this year’s contest.
The Bird will likely succumb to the superior ability of senior sports writer/designer Ben Robinson and the uncanny ability of arts editor Molly Webb to score as desired in the Madison metropolitan area.
EBC the EIC was MIA when the game was TBA but has now announced his intentions to participate in Friday’s event.
With advertising executives Andrew Pautz and Chris Bryant reportedly securing a deal with a reputable shoe company, the promise of free shoes has elevated the water boys to special-teams starters.
Combined with the efforts of Sarah Trawicki and Laura Sitzberger, Bryant and Pautz have been planning trick plays for the matchup on the other side of the “imaginary” wall all week long.
The Herald will likely avenge last year’s disappointing tie with a blowout of biblical proportions. An early crowd is expected to partake in pregame warm-ups, with kickoff set for 3:30 at Vilas Park.
— compiled from staff reports