Alliteration is a beautiful thing, and there is no greater example of this than Glenn Grothman. Grothman, a Republican state senator from West Bend, is to civil political discourse what Lou Dobbs is to Cinco De Mayo: one loco hombre. Recently, in response to snow removal issues following The Great Snowstorm of 2009 — which was followed closely by the Great School Closing of 2009 and the Great Overconsumption of 2009 — Sen. Grothman proposed the Department of Transportation assume control of snow removal policies from the city of Madison. For the senator, allowing those atheist-lesbian-socialists to control their own snowplows is crazier than, well, Glenn Grothman.

But as LeVar Burton would say, don’t take our word for it. From the gilded mouth of the man himself, “This is what happens when you have a city with politicians whose base is people who walk to their job at the co-op … They become incapable of handling their responsibilities to the state as a whole.”

Specifically, Grothman sees Madison’s reduced salt usage, which is designed to help both the environment and the undersides of our Priuses, as some trumped up, Pinko-Commie fantasy that needs to be addressed by the level heads of DOT bureaucrats. He’s wrong. However, recent snow removal efforts have been a few notches below pathetic and something needs to be done. At this rate, it’s only a matter of time before Mrs. Alvarez starts buying Arctic Cats for the Badger backfield.

Paul Soglin, former Madison mayor and Mifflin Street Block Party arrest statistic, argued in his blog in late December that “Madison has abandoned its basic commitment to snow removal,” citing insufficient budget increases, a lack of equipment and poor plowing policies, with much of the blame lying at the feet of the mayor’s office. In response, Mayor Dave Cieslewicz — who beat Soglin in the 2003 mayoral election — suggested in his blog that in comparison to when Soglin was in office, Madison is doing just fine in terms of snow removal.

And while Ald. Mark Clear, District 19, has seen fit to bring his own web-based shovel and dig into Soglin for his remarks, Cieslewicz’s chief of staff Janet Piraino seems to be driving her Bobcat in circles. In her review of Madison snow removal policies, she notes the basic problems: because of the snow depth and low temperatures, the sand/snow mixture wasn’t as effective, the so-called “Ice Slicer” they used wasn’t helpful, and when clearing the main roads wasn’t working as well as they planned, they gave up and started clearing residential areas. Oh, but don’t worry. According to the report, it’s not anyone’s fault. Chalk up another one for God.

So what are we to do? According to the report, first off: try something. Anything. The salt is ineffective because there’s not enough to melt the ice to give sand a chance. So they used more salt. Wouldn’t you know, that seemed to work. So use more salt. And sand. And beet juice. Or just plowing crews armed with flamethrowers; it works in Call of Duty. Also, focus attention on main roads such as Washington Avenue, Northpoint Drive and other already clogged arteries.

Second off, essentially: ditto to Soglin. Sure, they’re not saying we should match the 5th Fleet, but more plows mounted on equipment, more staff and more contractors would probably help.

This isn’t very hard to implement (basically, we’d have to do it soon enough to make sure we have proper equipment for the 2010-11 season), as long as we don’t go on a spending spree. If the city uses more salt and is a bit more strategic in blizzard conditions, our times for clearing the roads should improve. But it looks like we’ll have to wait until the pissing match between mayors past and present is over. Which, unless they have some irregular bladders, probably won’t provide enough salt in a blizzard.

The issue that will have to be decided is whether we have the will to spend more money on next year’s blizzard. Given the infrequent nature of massive blizzards (and that is an El Nino year, so who knows what the hell this means about weather trends) and economic crutches every municipality is currently hobbling on, going overboard on snow removal spending because of one major failure seems to be an overreaction. However, some extra funding of contractors and mounted plows would be a great help, and the right placement and amount of equipment should ensure that both Grothman gets to the Capitol in time to stop whatever menace the homosexual agenda has unleashed and that our city’s youth arrive on time to fall asleep in class.

So while we appreciate the debate that’s gone into plowing times and city efficiency, unless Soglin and Cieslewicz are planning on recording a duet of “Anything You Can Do” to raise funds, we encourage Mayor Dave to move past the bickering and solidify a plan to deal with any remaining snowfall this season and next. Or record the duet. We’d buy it.