Much like Mike Rowe of The Discovery Channel’s “Dirty Jobs,” parents of pubescent teenagers and Al Davis’ confidants (sorry, redundant), sports writers have to deal with a lot of BS on a daily basis.

Whether it’s coaches deadpanning clich?s that Lombardi himself invented or players responding with answers so mechanical they sound like they were memorized for the SAT (sans Derrick Rose), a true journalist must read between the lines to uncover the real story.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m not complaining about the lack of honesty. If I were an athlete I probably wouldn’t want to share my innermost thoughts with the dweeb holding a recorder in my face either. In fact, a reporter should earn the trust of his or her source (the reason beat writers still have value!), rather than demand 100 percent honesty.

Still, occasionally a coach can abuse his or her position of power (Bill “I love being a douche” Belichick), and spout off clich?s that are so over the top even PR guys can’t help but roll their eyes.

With that in mind, here are some translations for the most common clich?s thrown around today.

“We are just focusing on the next game.”

If you are playing Florida for your next game and preparing to stop Tim Tebow, than yeah, I believe you are focusing on the next game. If you are Tim Tebow and your next opponent is Charleston Southern, however, what you really mean is, “I wonder how many touchdowns I can score before my perfect reputation gets accused of running up the score.” Really though, unless it is Appalachian State against Michigan, if you hear this quote in week one of the college football season, the player actually means he can’t wait to crush an inferior opponent and pad his stats.

“I am just trying to improve every single day.”

This is a player’s go-to line when asked what they are trying to accomplish in practice, during the off-season and when recovering from injury. If injected with Veritaserum, however, their answer would go something like this: “What do you think I’m trying to accomplish in practice? We are here for at least two hours a day, every freaking day. I am just trying to work hard enough so the coaches don’t bench me. Sure during the scrimmage situations I’ll get into it, but it’s pretty tough to be competitive with a tackling dummy.”

“They are a well-coached team and they play tough.”

When you sign your scholarship, you also sign a gag clause that prohibits you from criticizing another team. Seriously, attempting to gain any credible info about the upcoming opponent is a bigger waste of time than a PETA rally. Perhaps there is a secret coaches sorority where they gather for support each off-season. Either way, the number of “good” or “tough” coaches who have been fired through the years is staggering.

While it is annoying enough to see these overused quotes on the national scene, sadly we have to deal with them in Madison too.

Here is a look at some of the quotes I gathered after the football team beat Northern Illinois 28-20 Saturday night:

“There was enough positive things out there to help us win the football game,” UW head coach Bret Bielema said. “On the same account, tomorrow will be a great film day for players [and] coaches on situations that we definitely have to handle better.”

Translation: I am going to put the entire fourth quarter on a loop and show them how they almost blew a game with a 22-point lead. In fact, I am going to put last year’s Michigan game on too. If they blow a lead again, I’m taking away their mopeds.

“Ninety, 95 percent of the snaps were very, very positive,” Bielema said. “But those five percent, 10 percent that were negative, you know, could put us in a situation we were there in the fourth quarter.”

Translation: How did NIU, of all schools, beat us in turnover margin?

“[Tolzien] kind of was today what he’s been through camp,” Bielema said. “Just real steady and handles the situation.”

Translation: I told you he was going to be good! I told you! If it wasn’t for that interception in the fourth quarter, I would be dancing on this table! Tolzien Baby!

While I may have taken a few liberties with Bielema’s messages, you get the point.

Sports writers will continue to ask incredibly vague questions and we will continue to receive the same old answers because we have a built in defense for it.

When life gives you lemons…

Michael is a senior majoring in journalism. Does Bill Belichick bother you? Want to rant about PETA? He can be reached at [email protected].