Gov,

Some might say you’re not the most popular guy in Wisconsin right now. I know how it feels. Back in the day, I took heat for my unorthodox, quietly confident approach to law enforcement. But I’d always say, “Look here, Assistant District Attorney Cahill, a man can learn more from a horse than he can from a book.”

You know what I mean. We’re rugged, wild men. Who needs high-speed rail when 5 percent of Wisconsin households own horses? Why spend four years in college when you can read the Constitution in less than an hour? We the People, baby.

But lest ye forget, the people, Scott, the people are the ones who matter. When you’re the top sheriff in town, the local lads and lasses look up to you. At the very least, they expect you to look after their take-home salaries and collective bargaining rights.

When a nasty drug wave hit Dallas, the Rangers didn’t arrest recovering addicts and troubled teens. Trivette and I cruised into Nuevo Casas Grandes and put the Ortega Brothers behind bars.

So why go after unions and public worker rights if there are better more democratic options for solving Wisconsin’s budget crisis? As I like to say, the real enemies are the murderous Mexican blood brothers funneling crack and heroin into metropolitan Dallas. Don’t turn your back on organized labor when you might need it to rescue you from crazed mountaineers.

Look, tough guys have to make tough decisions, especially when accounting for a $137 million budget shortfall. But when cutting spending or using ancient martial arts techniques to fight crime, its important to preserve long-held, well-established ideals. I fought to protect the incarnation of the Panchen Lama because I believe in successive life cycles.

Core traditions and values are at stake, two of the three (don’t forget: mustaches) corners of the Cowboy’s creed. Buck up, Scott. Ending union influence by axing collective bargaining rights poisons Wisconsin’s worker-friendly atmosphere. Try reforming your state’s reliance on property taxes or consider hiking the preposterously low beer tax. Heck, now we’re talkin’.

And while I’ve got your ear, let’s get one other thing straight. I don’t like dirty hands, bronco. Crime, grime and corruption are dirty as sin in my book, and my book is quite literally the only book I own.

So what’s this bull basket about protecting the integrity of voting? Requiring a government-issued ID to vote sounds a lot like an imposed burden upon the voter. And imposed burden upon the voter sounds a lot like “Southern poll tax” to me. And “Southern Poll Tax” sounds a lot like “Sorry, historically disenfranchised and discriminated-against community, we’re silencing your political voice.”

You get the point.

Cut the double talk. You and the rest of the GOP braintrust want to keep college voters at home. Why else refuse to include state-issued student IDs as valid forms of proof at the polls? The UT-Austin students I saved last week from bloodthirsty mercenaries had student IDs less vulnerable to fraud than state driver’s licenses.

“Republicans really want you to vote, they just want you to vote legally,” you’ll say. But, “Republicans really, really want to stay in power” is the more honest chorus. I can already see it coming: State Statute 4.421, “If your zip code ends in -3706, you must leave the voting station.”

So quit sullying the Walker name, Scott, because, “In the eyes of a ranger, the unsuspected stranger had better know the truth of wrong from right. ‘Cause the eyes of a ranger are upon you, Any wrong you do he’s gonna see.”

Regards,

Cordell Walker, Texas Ranger

Cordell Walker is a member of the Texas Ranger Division. When he’s not engaged in community service or martial arts instruction, Walker keeps abreast of local Wisconsin politics.

Eric Carlson ([email protected]) is a junior majoring in Journalism