Between the commemorative plates, coins, T-shirts and posters, it feels like everyone’s trying to make a buck off Barack Obama’s presidency. Typically, we praise such entrepreneurship as the free market at work, and as any smart American will tell you, the free market defines this great land. There is one man, however, who’s being downright ostracized for his attempt to weigh the mighty scales of supply and demand, and unlike dinnerware and clothing, his Obama artifact is one of a kind. Maybe it was the lack of an infomercial or his unwillingness to slash a payment if you call right now that did him in, but for Rod Blagojevich, trying to sell Barack Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder was not only seen as terribly un-American but 100 percent Illinoisan.
The sad reality of American politics is most of the people we support and cast ballots for put their personal future ahead of their constituency’s welfare. Behind those bold promises and bright lawn signs are regular guys in red or blue ties hoping to sucker the general public — and it usually works. Fortunately, once they show their true colors, we snap into action using the very voting power that put them into office to dethrone them and to seat a new, hopefully less sinister official. Illinois has yet to learn this skill. Like a toddler to a stovetop burner, they keep scarring their credibility by electing corrupt politicians.
Since the 1970s, three different Illinois governors have called a cellblock their home, and Blagojevich looks well on his way to making it a quartet. This is utterly crazy, but the governors shouldn’t be solely to blame. After all, it’s not their fault Illinois voters didn’t see what slime bags they were. It’s obvious impeachment and jail time haven’t put the holy fear into anyone running for office, so it’s time to threaten the people casting ballots.
In California, the three strikes law states if you commit three serious criminal offenses, you get to go to prison for life. It’s a harsh and probably unjust law, but it’s difficult to find flaws when politicians use sports rules to dictate people’s freedom. Because of this, I suggest the United States implement the four balls law when it comes to criminally convicted governors. For each head of state that dons the orange jumpsuit, the people of Illinois get a “ball.” Once the people receive four “balls,” they are forced to “walk.” Walk right out of the country, that is.
The people of Illinois don’t deserve to be a part of the United States. We’re a big country, and we don’t ask much, but we really take an image hit every time those wacky Bears fans elect a crooked leader. Besides, if we forced all the Illinois residents out of the U.S., we could finally make some real progress on the issues. It’s a relatively flat state, and without any inhabitants to complain it would make the perfect site for a large-scale wind power operation. Also, erasing Illinois would allow us to start courting Canada again without having to worry about messing up the stars on the flag. It’s a situation where everyone wins, except for the people of Illinois. But they blew their chance, so good luck in Mexico.
It’s not a perfect law, I know. Not every resident votes, and hunting down absentee voters could get tricky, but Illinois just doesn’t learn. They keep on electing dirty governors, cheering for the Cubs and choking down Polish sausages no matter how many times they go into cardiac arrest. Illinois’ inaction has forced America to take action, and once they’ve vacated the state, I hope we turn the Shedd Aquarium into the greatest water park ever. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself; they officially only have three balls. It’s just that Blagojevich is a wicked screwball, and he’s looking a bit outside.
Sean Kittridge ([email protected]) is a junior majoring in journalism.
