Mark it down — Thursday, May 10, 2007: Mercifully, the Badger Herald Editorial Board writes its final opinion of the year.

In typical fashion, the simultaneously fascist and communist Editorial Board closed out the year with a real fart of a final column, simply dealing out a contrived set of awards to some folks — not even sending them a card or flowers, much less a trophy to the winner. Such a cream-puff send-off notice is exactly the kind of work we have come to expect from this motley crew of slanted, suppositional saps, who were so shortsighted as to not even hand out one of their measly awards to the most deserving of Madisonians — Will Sandstrom. He not only alerted the city to, and fought the Madison Mafia, but also single-handedly thwarted evil Mayor Dave's plans to construct a trolley.

All of this is aside from the point, however, that the Editorial Board has fallen woefully short of the bar — admittedly set high — by the prestigious Mac VerStandig and his merry men (and women).

Back then the Editorial Board made very solid statements about the importance of freedom of speech, opening the doors for very important conversation. However, the 2007 version preferred to focus on such topics as the innovative "Beware of rapist" (Feb. 19), the Cottenelle soft-fluff piece "Safety first" (March 1) or the countless bashing articles on how much ASM blows chunks — which wasn't so much beating a dead horse as it was continually running a steamroller over the plod of earth over an already buried stallion.

While saying that every piece the spring '07 Editorial Board wrote was smelly dumpster fodder would be as accurate as saying that haircuts are best performed with a blender in the dark, the fact is that with far too much frequency, the Editorial Board was more like a dead board. And that was when they weren't simply wrong, like when they suggested some law students apologize to UW law professor Leonard Kaplan — the insulter — "Due process overdue" (March 7).

However, it is easy to understand exactly why this group struggled, when broken down. The chair, Carolyn Smith, doesn't even have the attention span to keep up with a fantasy baseball team, much less guide this group anywhere (except into a proverbial iceberg).

This leaves Editor in Chief Taylor Hughes (Smith's partner in crime) free to sway Smith however he desires on a particular issue. Such trickery shouldn't be allowed. Plus, his poor choice in what sport to follow (never missing a waterskiing match, but always missing the hegemonic sports of this nation such as football, baseball or basketball) betrays his lack of solid judgment.

Managing Editor Mikey Gendall would seem a sound choice except for his baldness, allowing heat and ideas to quickly dissipate from his head, a problem that countless Boston Red Sox hats have been powerless to curb.

Enigmatic Opinion Editor Bassey Etim, whose opinions are often sound, is just as likely to be found at Visions — the Best in Burlesque — as he is in any meeting, leading to lapses in concentration and thus excessive use of such phrases as "gravy train" in headlines.

While Will Sandstrom was smitten by Emily Friedman at first sight due to her East Coast sensibilities (not shared by the aforementioned "Baldy"), the second lady of the board is often too shy and meek to make her opinion known, having her voice drowned out by the thunderous boom of Gendall's roars or Hughes' screeches. The quietest and maybe wisest member of the board is as visible as Paris Hilton's designated driver.

That leaves the lone Brenner-tarian voice on the board, a Mr. Mark Murphy who believes that the moon is not just made of cheese but mac n' cheese (and that a blue moon thus refers to the world suffering from the "blue box blues").

After examination of each member, it becomes clear exactly why this Editorial Board struggled and in the end, it is even rather forgivable.

But one course of action is clearly necessary and has been apparent since the chants first rained down on the concrete at a Cubs game back in January and whose echoes have been heard from Madison to Duluth to Timbuktu.

Bring.

Back.

Mac.

Dave McGrath ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in English and journalism. He's still bitter he was never asked to be a member of the Editorial Board.