I’ve been listening to music ever since black people invented it in 1989.
“Bull shit,” you say, “it is impossible to conceptualize the exact beginning of music.”
To that I respond, “you are wrong” and “your foolishness simultaneously explains your methamphetamine addiction and prodigious masturbatory habits.”
Obviously, because contemporary music contains such an absurdly eclectic range of sounds, it is impossible for any one human being to create a list of essential listening.
Luckily, I am more than a human being. Here is my list:
1. The King of Carrot Flowers Pt. 2 and 3 – Neutral Milk Hotel
This song is a blistering combination of everything that is catchy and raw about music. The force of this music is so delicious that your immediate temptation will be to shout it out loud. Hopefully this will result in your immediate apprehension and assault by police officers, you obnoxious jack ass. Furthermore, this song is essential for romanticists looking for that critical first track of any mix CD – if you put this on a CD, and there is a girl that likes you, and you give that CD to the girl, then the government will fine your ass because that is fucking illegal.
2. To Hell With Good Intentions – Mclusky
Remember that one time you told all your friends that you liked Owl City? Well, they all laughed at you after you left. In fact, Jake is probably setting fire to all your possessions right now because, let’s face it, you deserve it. Owl City sounds like the Postal Service getting raped by a lollipop. The best way to redeem yourself will be by playing this track by Mclusky – essentially two minutes of the most anthemic, acidic noises and lyrics ever recorded. Listening to this track will extend your penis by a foot. Unless you are a woman. THEN I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN.
3. Al Sharp – The Beta Band
Yesterday I fell asleep listening to Pink Floyd’s “The Wall.” As a result my dreams were overrated. Pink Floyd might have mastered the art of creating spacey, atmospheric, quasi-progressive rock music, but the result was a really boring album. The remedy is to listen to this song, which combines the best parts of their legit album (“Dark Side of the Moon”) and channels it into a solid tune that doesn’t require egregious amounts of marijuana to make it bearable. P.S. The greatest Pink Floyd song was “The Great Gig in the Sky”. I suppose you could disagree, but you would also be wrong.
4. For Reverend Green – Animal Collective
One of my friends recently explained to me that prior to 2009 it was pretentious to like Animal Collective. But now it’s pretentious NOT to like them. Now, I don’t remember which friend this was because I have literally OVER 50 FRIENDS, but I agree completely with him/her. Unfortunately, the only song I hear played is “My Girls.” So next time somebody asks you what your favorite AC track is, cite this one. It will show that you have experienced AC at their most inscrutably bittersweet and will disguise the fact that you are a hipster asshole that claims “Bitte Orca” is a “great album.”
5. No Vaseline – Ice Cube
It is specified in the Constitution that “Hit ‘Em Up” is scariest diss track of all time. Also, “Ether” is the most piercing, “Pussy’ole” is the least comprehensible and that Akon deserves to die. However, the conclusion by our founding fathers was that “No Vaseline” was the most effective. Basically Ice Cube makes up a bunch of shit about places NWA has received penis and the ways in which he will kill them. It is rumored that Ice Cube personally gave Eazy-E AIDS after he recorded the song and also that George Washington originally wrote this song as a diss on Benjamin Franklin. I MADE THE FIRST ONE UP.
6. Thunder Road – Paul Baribeau
There’s a reason that Bruce Springsteen still retains significant respect among diverse age groups in his live performances – it’s because he doesn’t act like he’s old as fuck. Compare this to the Who’s performance at the Super Bowl where everybody suffered at least 30 heart attacks per song. Paul Baribeau’s cover of Thunder Road captures the beautiful freedom of being young and passionate – every horribly sung note is fairly saturated with unadulterated hope. Ideally this song will be played while driving – maybe it will make you forget the time you played Nickleback and your best friend reciprocated by killing your mom.
7. Toxic – Britney Spears
People often toss around the term “guilty pleasure” to describe girl pop classics like “Biology” by Girls Aloud and “Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson. “Guilty Pleasure” is the most bullshit term ever invented and if you ever use it again your parents will disown you. Toxic was successful because it was engineered to be successful. Every hook, chorus and note was put through a computer with no other purpose than to create the catchiest song ever made. Oh, and I once tore a man in half with my bare hands while listening to this song.
8. El Scorcho – The Weezer
Remember when Weezer was a good band? Of course you don’t. You’d have to be the fucking Who to remember that far back. True story: after making their seminal “Blue Album” lead singer Rivers Cuomo turned towards his other band mates and inexplicably declared, “I’m sick of making unabashedly na?ve music with endearingly basic form but immaculate craftsmanship. Let’s make the most bullshit single ever (Beverely Hills) and then do a track with Lil Wayne.” Well, before they did that they had the mercy to release “Pinkerton” and the song El Scorcho, the only song that truly captures the crippling awkwardness of expressing unrequited love. OR SO I HAVE BEEN TOLD.
9. Dead on Time – Queen
Here are some songs that never need to be played again:
“Back in Black” and “Highway to Hell” by AC/DC.
“The Piano Man” by Billy Joel
“Sweet Home Alabama” by Lynyrd Synyrd.
Most songs by the Beatles
Any song where Ben Folds decides that he has a sense of humor, other than his cover of Get Your Hands Off of My Woman, which is hilarious
Country music in general because there is NO REASON, to EVER enjoy country music
Other than Ben Folds, that list is a pretty strong indicator of people claiming to enjoy “classic rock” when really what they mean to say is “I like hearing songs that everybody recognizes.” A better decision is to listen to Dead on Time, a song that completely reinvents what you know about Queen and still sounds relatively fresh, even when judged against the classic rock era.
10. Hey – The Pixies
Remember when your dad told you that the Beatles or Led Zeppelin are the greatest band of all time? He was lying to you. Strike him. The Pixies are the greatest band of all time and “Hey” is the greatest song by the Pixies. The sheer emotional impact of the song, the immortal bassline and the unsettlingly beautiful vocal harmony create a song that every quirky-ass entity from Kings of Leon to the movie “Juno” has tried to emulate. Unfortunately, Kings of Leon sucks and Juno turned “indie” into a swear word.
11. Think – Aretha Franklin (the Blues Brothers version)
This is the greatest song ever made.
