Board of Directors:

Patrick Williams, Chair of the Board of Directors: Still comes extremely close to the camera to speak in Zoom meetings.

Shayde Erbrecht, Publisher: Still has to swoop in and save the Herald from bankruptcy every once in a while.

John Spengler Director of Advertising and Promotions: Finally learns how to count.

Philomena Lindquist Director of Advertising and Promotions: Has led the revamp of the Herald’s new brand-new disco 4D WordPress site.

Management:

Harrison Freuck, Editor-in-Chief: Has no job, no life. Herald staff lets him live in the office and retain the title “Sports Overlord,” but he is really just their janitor.

Molly DeVore Managing Editor: Owns an Alpaca farm.

Mary Magnuson Managing Editor: Works as The Badger Herald’s exclusive newsletter creator.

Features:

Nuha Dolby, Print Features Editor and Illustrative Director: Editor of Bloomberg.

Lauren Henning, Print Features Editor: Becomes a travel journalist, but conducts all work via horseback as she scours the nation for stories. Wins Pulitzer Prize because no one could neig(hhhh)otiate w a horse-riding journalist.

Janani Sundar, Digital Features Editor: World-famous ophthalmologist.

Vanessa Reza, Digital Features Associate Editor: Acing life, nothing new.

Opinion:

Ken Wang, Opinion Editor: Runs Successworks.

Anne Isman, Opinion Editor: Stays in WI because she loves getting asked why she moved from NYC to this place.

Hayden Kolowrat, Associate Opinion Editor: Foreign policy correspondent for AP, no longer has to connect pitches to Wisconsin. Is finally free.

News:

Erin Gretzinger, Digital News Editor: Works for The New York Times, has her dad ship out a case of Spotted Cow monthly.

Savannah Kind, Digital News Editor: Sick of people saying “Your name is so fitting,” goes on a rampage to find every Heralder who has wronged her, starting with flaky writers.

Ben Baker, Print News Editor: Finally replies to the slack message asking if he can make it to the meeting.

Courtney Erdman, Print News Editor: Writes hippie self-love column at Cosmopolitan.

Arushi Gupta, Science News Editor: Absolutely demolishes John in a roast-off which forces him to move to Canada for the rest of his life.

Haley Bills, Campus News Associate Editor: Elle Woods but better.

Mia Lee, Campus News Associate Editor: Still putting up with Savannah’s slacks asking for her thoughts on Taylor Swift.

Abie Thiel, City News Associate Editor: Got trapped at an ASM meeting, can someone go free her please.

Audrey Thibert, City News Associate Editor: Celebrating her first “no” in response to being asked to write a Badger Herald News article.

Aashna Sheth, State News Associate Editor: Becomes besties with the climate change guy who protests weekly as the Capitol.

Lila Szyryj, State News Associate Editor: Won Miss Universe, ran away with the crown because she didn’t want to give it to the next winner.

Azul Kothari, Science News Associate Editor: Submits things on time, finally.

Public Relations:

Gretchen Gerlach, Director of Public Relations: Mad that her cat’s Instagram gets more likes than hers, goes on a self-discovery trip (read: rampage) to learn how to become one.

Matt van Bastelaer, PR Associate: Wins a dance competition for his interpretation of the dougie.

Mai Zong Vang, PR Associate: Steers a giant corporation out of a huge PR nightmare, is a hero.

ArtsEtc:

Veronica Kuffel, ArtsEtc. Editor: Famous food critic.

Jackson Walker, ArtsEtc. Editor: Becomes UW’s new marching band director.

Rachael Lee, ArtsEtc. Associate Editor: Addicted to Boba.

William Lundquist, ArtsEtc. Associate Editor: Following rappers around to expose them for his music blog.

Taylor Meredith, ArtsEtc. Associate Editor: Got canceled for saying cake is bad.

Braden Ross, ArtsEtc. Associate Editor: CEO of Buzzfeed.

Keagan Schlosser, Banter Editor: Still carrying the burden of being the only funny person who’s ever worked at the Herald.

Sports:

Will Whitmore, Sports Editor: New man on the Minnesota Vikings

Charlie Dern, Sports Editor: Sports betting shark living in Vegas, loses all of his winnings on the Kentucky Derby annually.

Copy:

Audrey Swanson, Copy Chief: Guardian of 13289473 foster puppies

Sam Huss, Copy Chief: Philosopher, but hates all her colleagues and publishes papers roasting them regularly.

Photo:

Ahmad Hamid, Photo Director: Becomes personal photographer for president AOC.

Abby Cima, Photographer: Has an award-winning photography blog.

Shane Fruchterman, Photographer: Still messages Harrison to ask if he can go to sports events because he “knows a guy.”

Multimedia:

Katie Hardie, Multimedia Director: Realizes she hates healthcare, writes Spanish rat plays for the rest of her career.