As someone who lives down the block from Mifflin, I personally urge the University of Wisconsin to prioritize and immediately vaccinate the hooligans who live on the street. The Mifflin Block Party is coming, and I fear for my safety. 

The end of April is quickly approaching and everyone who is anyone knows what that means — it’s time to congregate on a street and drink copiously with strangers, friends and horse cops. 

In a pandemic, however, the Mifflin Block Party isn’t looking as “ethical” or “safe” as it has in past years. (Did it ever have those values, you may ask — to which I answer, sure).

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But let’s be honest with ourselves, folks — the denied frat pledges and indie kids (who share the middle of the ‘nicotine addicts’ venn diagram) are still going to party like it’s 1999 and they’re in a fetal alcoholic womb.

Beer cans will litter the streets, men in jerseys will jump off roofs, flesh will be exposed and herpes cases will swiftly outpace COVID-19 cases. 

As a responsible citizen, I’m creating a petition to encourage UW to stick Mifflanders in the arm with a juicy J&J injection before the unofficial block party wreaks havoc on our campus and community. Contrary to popular belief, the golden Four Loko does not protect against transmittable diseases or viruses and is not an adequate substitution to the coronavirus vaccine. 

I call on Becky Blank to think of our campus, think of the children and think of the poor idiots who think hanging a “Wolf of Wall Street” flag over their balcony is cool. While all people 16 and older are eligible to receive the COVID-19 vaccine, Mifflanders require immediate attention and injection. If we don’t act swiftly, it may be too late. 

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What about, you may ask, the silly little kiddos on Langdon Street? Don’t they deserve protection for their basement parties and Chaser’s shenanigans? While these people seem like a threat to society, they actually stay in a pretty tight bubble — Mike’s Hub apartment, Chipotle and wherever you can buy black tops and ripped jeans.

Mifflin folks are deceptive — they appear as normal, non-douchey humans while walking the streets of Madison. But, as soon as they’re on their own turf, the hats turn backwards and beer die come rolling.

Ultimately, the safest alternative for April 24 — the officially unofficial Mifflin Block Party — is to move the daylong darty a block down. West Washington Avenue has the perfect mix of fun yet studious, risk-taking yet cautious attitude during a public health crisis. These practical individuals will keep party size low, cocktails tasteful and music sans club remixes. 

Another option? Basset? Broom? Hell, even Bedford.

Alas, the Miffy Wiffy Nifters will prevail — and those who haven’t lied about being a food service employee will be a health and safety hazard to the whole isthmus. UW, practical human beings beg of you — vaccinate the street. And do it ASAP.