In a surprising turn of events, the Associated Students of Madison overthrew the University of Wisconsin Board of Regents and established themselves as the new “Board of WiscoRulers4Eva.”
ASM Chair Tony Titnick held a press conference Wednesday night, lounging on Abe’s lap atop Bascom Hill.
“They weren’t listening to our demands,” Titnick said as he stared into the statue’s eyes pensively. “It had to be done.”
In an exclusive interview with The Badger Herald, Titnick explained how he and his “squad” gained control of Bascom.
Titnick said ASM’s initial plan was to infiltrate the Board of Regents — not to disband it entirely. When UW administrators actually began seriously considering Foxconn’s proposal to develop a student-powered factory for producing butt glitter with “competitive” hourly wages of $7.26 — that was the final straw.
An unnamed ASM member allegedly snuck into the Board of Regents closed session dressed as Bucky Badger and “gathered dirt” on UW System President Tommy Thompson’s trains, Titnick said. Over the course of several months, ASM members infiltrated meetings and managed to replace every Board of Regents member with a red parrot.
“Becky never noticed,” Titnick said as he struggled to keep a straight face.
UW student Harrison Freak explained his shock and amusement through a series of tweets with the hashtags “SawItComing” and “ByeByeBecky.”
“Who would’ve thought?” Freak tweeted. “I miss u Tommy #TommyThompsonsTrains4eva #MarryMeTommy!!! xoxo.”
Following the takeover, ASM released a flurry of new initiatives, such as turning the Humanities building into an official maze and cultivating corn in it, renovating Sellery and Witte into trashy night clubs, painting the Capitol a bright fuchsia color and scrapping previous guidelines allowing professors to assign homework due on Saturday.
“Saturdays are for the bois,” an excited freshman screamed as he chugged a can of warm, stale beer likely from the basement of a frat house on Langdon St.
UW professors, faculty and staff are still in shock. A group of raging, self-identifying “Tommy’s Bois” protested the coup on the Capitol but were quickly disbanded by UWPD — who distracted the protesters by engaging them in water balloon and paintball fights.
“We must give the power back to students,” Titnick said. “Ah, what a wonderful day to be alive.”