Spring is officially here! Well, unofficially-officially now that St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner. Usually around this time of year, you’d be calling up your buddies to head downtown for all-you-can-drink green beer. 

Maybe you’d even try that Irish beer your dad raves about sometimes. But, just like so many great things this year, COVID-19 has thrown a real “Sham-rock” into Public Intoxication Day. Being the obnoxious optimist that I am (not), I’ve thought up a way to make this St. Patrick’s Day memorable for everyone. 

Around this time, people try to “get in touch with their distant Irish heritage” by wearing green, eating corned beef and polluting a lake or two. But does that really give you the true Irish experience? No way. 

Luckily for you, the unique circumstances this year allow you to actually make a meaningful attempt to get in touch with the true Irish experience. These unique activities will have you saying, “Kiss me! My ancestry.com says I’m 10% Northern European!”

Lonely on V-Day? Try these campus hot spots to snag a steamy STDValentine’s Day is right around the corner, and the data shows that hundreds of Badgers are unhappy with their sex Read…

The very first activity — and the easiest one to pick up — is to be alone all day. Oh boy. I’m feeling Irish already! This one is a no-brainer with COVID-19, but also nothing shouts “Ireland” louder than sealing your emotions DEEP in your chest. 

You know all of those heart-breaking thoughts about how 2020 robbed you of your very first year of college as Chem 101 makes you question your larger life goals? Yeah! Those feelings! Bury those with Jameson and Guinness.  

Another absurdly Irish thing you could do on St. Patty’s Day 2021 is dancing while keeping your arms down at your side. What do they call that? Irish dance? Makes sense. 

This year you can give this dance move a shot from the comfort of your own home. Who’s going to judge? Your friends? You’re home by yourself? Throw on a song — trust me its not hard whatsoever. All you have to do is to jump a little bit and kick here and there. Not really feeling it? Good, then you’re doing it correctly. 

Highlights from this year! They exist! Kind of! Yay!2020 is like your third-grade birthday. You know, the one you were looking forward to because you had a cool Read…

Still don’t have that Irish spirit? Don’t worry — if all else fails, this one should get you going in no time. What’s one thing that can take the wind out of an Irish Catholic any day, month or year? That’s right! The final thing you need to do on St. Patrick’s Day 2021 is to masturbate and feel bad about it (like bad, bad about it). 

Let that guilt flow through your body like Proper Number 12 as you watch porn like the morally corrupt person the Catholic Church knows you are. Just please, please, don’t ask about the morality of the Catholic Church, please? Please? 

Especially their recent doings… or past doings… or really any point in between… you know what, just don’t ask questions about anything in any time period about Catholicism. Just feel bad about being a sexual monster and move on. 

So happy St. Patrick’s Day everyone! I know this year looks different, but even if you do 1/4 of these activities, it’ll be a year to remember. Maybe. I don’t know. What do you have to lose, there’s nothing else to do.