1) Gotham Bagels

This one needs no explanation. Gotham is slightly pretentious just because of its reputation of being so freakin’ good, but the vibes are anything but. It’s just folks tryna smack some bageys and eggies, ya feel? Good cheese, check. Aioli, check. Bagel OPTIONS, checkkkkkkckck!

2) MacTaggart’s Market & Deli

Though it’s hard not to put Tag’s as A1 on this list, I must give em the silver — considering they stop serving breakfast at noon. Which is like. Why? You have the ingredients…

Anyhow, Tag’s is the God of Gods when it comes to unpretentious sandwiches. I quite literally crave their breakfast (croissant, Canadian bacon, chipotle gouda) daily. I mean talk about choices! And affordability! To the Tag’s employee I matched with on Tinder, I’m still coming in to get that free sandwich.

The plastic casing, the perfectly round egg – that’s gotta be a Tag’s sammy!

3) Short Stack

First of all, it’s inappropriate that more places don’t offer pretzel rolls as options. Chef’s KISS. You said caramelized onions and rhubarb jam??? Picky eaters everywhere are exploding, meanwhile the sophisticated folks’ taste buds are exploding.

Short Stack is pretentious in an unpretentious way — which makes them the worst kind of pretentious. It’s Madison, what do you expect? Anyway, Short Stack is cool and so is their sam. It’s just hard to muster up the $13 for a mind-blowing breakficino every weekend.

4) Cafe Social

This placement may be a surprising choice for breakfast lovers and non-Mifflanders alike, but this sandwich is one of the most non-pretentious, worth-your-money brekkie bites off campus.

The options are limited — bacon, cheddar, choice of everything bagel, plain bagel or English muffin, but this makes it easy (less think, more eat). One unique aspect of Cafe Social’s breakfast is the option of adding salsa or guacamole. YAR. Such sweeties. Immaculate.

The only bagel flavors that matter, ranked by a certified Jew™It may be a new year, a new decade, and yes, I am new to the Banter section — but Read…

5) Mickies Dairy Bar

Talk about simple, easy and tough on the arteries. I miss Mickies. I loveee my egg and cheese on a bagel, but I tend to keep it classic at Mickies with toast. The best part of this sammy is the options! Multiple cheeses, multiple meats? But the best thing about this wich — you can add veggies, making your hangover treat feel a little ~healthy.~

6) Indie Coffee

I am obsessed with the unique menu listings at Indie, but they’re a little hit or miss. Indie’s options are hearty and cheesy cheesy, but I once got a soggy sandwich. This is not to slander Indie. I would give away everything I own for them.

Only a little pretentious, because Indie is in their name and they never have seating available.

7) Starbucks

Call me crazy, but I go crazy for Starbs’ prepackaged sandwiches. Idk why the swiss and biscuit goes so hard, but I will drop $7 on it if I am presented with the option. Obviously, Starbies is stuck-up, but many people forget they have (dare I say good?) food, earning them a spot on this list.

Starbucks vs Dunkin’ DonutsThough the United States is no stranger to internal conflict, no rivalry may be as large as that between Starbucks Read…

8) Colectivo Coffee

I don’t trust anywhere that only has an english muffin as a bread option. I haven’t even tried their breakfast sandwiches, but I know I don’t want to. Colectivo is the epitome of pretentious for no reason. (I love their regular sandwiches, but that is clearly not the point).

9) Bassett Street Brunch Club

Dead stinking last. If you enjoy breakfast sandwiches, I prithee PLEASE don’t waste your money on this sandwich.

It’s frankly inappropriate for these folks to charge $12 for what tastes like the sandwich version of mayo. Except this dish is drier and more disappointing. If a friend ever tries to ease your indecisive menu panic and says, “you can’t go wrong with a breakfast sandwich!” know that you should stop being their friend. And you CAN go wrong with a breakfast sandwich. Miraculously.

This financially indulgent nosh had me craving my own cooking, and I am NOT a good cook.

Bassett is that one friend you always want to hang out with and when you do, you’re reminded of why you hate them with a dying passion. Save your money. Invest in chipotle mayo.

Stop going to Bassett unless you’re looking to get day drunk. Even then, there are at least four better places to accomplish that. We must stop hotels from capitalizing on quirky menu options!!!!