Are you panicking about your future? Reciting your greatest strengths and weaknesses in your sleep? Having fever dreams filled with cover letter buzz words?

If you’re looking to stand out from the intern applicant pool this spring, I got you covered. Below are some of the best-kept secrets for nailing the internship process. If these can’t get you working at your dream company, I don’t know what can!

Call up the CEO!

This one is a necessity. Find out where the CEO of your potential employer lives and drive there. Once you arrive, go straight to the nearest gas station and purchase a phone book. After acquiring the phone book, find the CEO’s phone number and give them a ring! Things like, “you should hire me” or “I know where you live” are fantastic opening lines.

Send the company some of your hair!

Is there a better way to get to know someone than through their DNA? I didn’t think so! Make sure you stand out in the applicant pool by cutting straight to the chase — giving the company the ability to see your kick-ass, hard-working DNA through some silky strands. Make sure to include about two to three good handfuls of hair, as you want to make sure there is enough keratin to get to everyone who may desire it.

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Tell them you DO NOT believe in COVID-19!

Recruiters love when applicants march to the beat of their own drum, and the perfect way to stick out immediately is to deny the deadly and destructive global pandemic we are currently experiencing. Citing random obscure websites is key here. Try to find the sketchiest website, and take this moment to show off your research skills! 

Make your entire cover letter lyrics to the hit Broadway musical “Hairspray”!

This is so bizarre, but I swear by it. Every company idolizes the musical “Hairspray.” From the Broadway version to the movie musical/comedy starring world-renowned actress Nikki Blonsky, the clear path to an employer’s heart is through these lyrics. You can pick any song you’d like, just make sure to prepare for questions regarding the show in your interview.

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If they allow for additional documents to be shared, include a video of you shotgunning a beer!

This tip is especially important for those of you who are underage. Employers want to see the qualities that will make you an essential hire for their company, and the best way to authentically display them is a video of you absolutely crushing some Natural Light (not sponsored). Who cares about laws? This applicant will do anything they need to complete a task. Perseverance? Teamwork? Leadership? Devotion? All your best assets will shine through when you include this video. 

Speak only in rhyme during the interview!

You’ve heard about the importance of standing out in an applicant pool over and over again, but no one seems to tell you how. I am here to change that. By speaking solely in rhymes, you will take your employer by storm with your creativity and poetic voice. I promise you they will not find this annoying or strange at all. You are sure to secure that internship faster than I can say, “put you in the mansion somewhere in Wisconsin.”

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If the recruiter ends the interview asking you if you have any last questions, ask them if they are single!

It doesn’t matter if you yourself are single, taken, married or anything — this question is the best way to flatter and butter up whoever is conducting the interview until they are putty in your hands. If you want to be extra impressive and smooth, add that you would love to take them out to dinner at the fanciest restaurant in town, but you can only do that once you make some money … which will happen if they hire you. See what I did there? Foolproof. 

Send a nude!

JUST KIDDING. Did you guys think I was going to not include at least one joke in this article? I wanted to lighten up the looming internship air by adding a light and comical tip. Though sending a nude non-consensually to an employer seems spicy and seductive, it is best to hold off on showing your tasteful pics. I know this may disappoint some of you bright applicants, but I take respectful application behavior very seriously. 

Best of luck in the real world, champ!