The University of Wisconsin has implemented a new technique of COVID-19 testing for the spring semester which involves students collecting pools of saliva and dribbling them into a plastic funnel before nine of their peers. But many students have opposed to or complained about this act, calling it “uncomfortable,” “difficult” and “not hot enough.”

University students are glad to finally put their excess spit to use, but many 20-year-olds haven’t overtly exercised their salivary glands in months, and a dry spell unfortunately often results in a dry test.

Another obstacle in the way of the juiciest spit drip is the test guidelines — no eating or drinking an hour before it. If many could simply have a shot of tequila or perhaps a wine cooler, they would certainly be in the mood to gob one up for science. Even something as simple as adjusting the lighting or playing “Careless Whisper” in the testing site could result in double the dribble. 

There are alternatives to more spit production, such as gently and calmly massaging one’s salivary glands, but people are looking for more subtle, perhaps more mental, ways to produce a sticky, stringy vial of clear, off-white or even milky liquid.

Dane County, UW divided over COVID-19 in MadisonWith COVID-19 cases skyrocketing across Wisconsin, Dane County and the University of Wisconsin leadership remain divided on how to best Read…

If you’re taking an embarrassingly long time at your biweekly tests, (and locking eyes with the 70-year-old COVID-19 attendant isn’t working) don’t you worry — it happens to everyone! With these seven hot thoughts, you can make your coronavirus test as pleasurable and wet as possible. Read at your own risk. 

7) Cuming back to the climate

President Biden has recommitted the United States to the Paris climate agreement. After being shot out in 2017, the U.S. is desperate to be let back in. Not only are they welcoming us with wide, open, flexible arms, but the process will be a quickie, as the U.S. will re-enter within the next month! If you think that’s a climax, just wait until you hear we’re also back with the WHO. Nothing has ever felt better.

6) Edging the economy 

The new administration has extended a federal moratorium on evictions. Though most sexy students have no idea what that word means, they know they want more MOre MORE! of this financial relief. Big Daddy B is also continuing the pause on federal student loan interest. Someone’s into roleplay!

Experts comment on current COVID-19 climate, vaccine potentialPublic health is challenged by political ideology guiding individual decision making in the pandemic rather than science, University of Wisconsin Read…

5) Blue-balling the Senate 

Even if you’re not a democrat, there’s no denying that newly appointed Sen. Jon Ossoff is some eye candy the Legislative Department needed. Sen. Raphael Warnock is alongside him, making me wish the Eiffel Tower was located in Georgia. I could be Timothée Chalamet, and they could be two Georgia peaches. Talk about getting Os-off to congressional hearings. 

4) Smoothly inserting the vaccine

As of last week, more than 15 million people have received at least one dose of the COVID-19 vaccine. Sexy. Though it may take some time for young people to get inoculated, here’s to wishing the long, juicy needle successfully slips into your grandma’s arm. Better yet, I hope she gets the slip twice in three weeks. 

3) Reverse cowgirling T****’s orders

Sure, you might not want to think of the previous Crust Bucket in office, but the best thing about this Hot Thought is you get to face the wall, watch TV or check your phone during it. President Biden is ending the 1776 Commission, which is like the 1619 Project but for racists. He is also revoking the permit for the Keystone XL pipeline. We know what else is XL in the Ovie Office.

Q&A with UW immunization expert James Conway on Wisconsin’s COVID-19 vaccination processesAs Wisconsin rolls out its first round of COVID-19 vaccinations, a University of Wisconsin immunization expert explains the impacts of Read…

2) Pillow talking new policies

Juicy J is speaking up (in a low, sultry voice) about immigration and visas. He aims to preserve DACA and propose legislation that will provide an immediate pathway to citizenship for DREAMers. Biden is ending the Muslim ban, overturning T****’s xenophobic orders and halting Mexico’s border wall construction. Talk about letting walls down — we’re getting vulnerable here. So hot.

1) Leaving it up to the imagination

Baby Bidey signed an executive order which mandates masks on public transport. He is also encouraging people to wear masks for the next 100 days. Strip your face covering at home — let things get hot and heavy underneath your dirty, flimsy mask. When you’re in public or on something with wheels, speak through your eyes. Wink at a stranger and maybe even gesture that you’re collecting spit for a special slob later.

Hopefully this helps with your spit production. I’m drooling just typing it up. Stay safe out there, kiddos. Wear protection (masks) and stay slippery.