2020 this, 2020 that … surviving this year should be a tax write-off or something. I want a prize for surviving this year. Like, a fun slap bracelet or scratch-and-sniff stickers. Or a year of lowered tuition. But I’ll have to take that one up with Becky (I won’t include their last name in order to maintain some respect for anonymity). But … what about 2021? Haven’t heard too much mumblin’ about that on the Twitterverse quite yet.

So, what should we manifest into this new year? Well, I have a few things on my list including the freedom of Britney Spears but my main priority this year is the abolishment of flavored cream cheese. I want to shame you fruity bread lovers into no longer purchasing or consuming flavored cream cheese. Why are you putting a blueberry cream cheese spread on your sesame bagel? Do you even care about yourself? Do you care about the world? Do you even stop to consider the consequences of your actions?

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If I were president, the first thing I would do is ban all flavored cream cheese, make all imports of the ghastly dairy product illegal and confiscate their containers to burn them in a lofty pile on the White House’s lawn on live television. Some may call that extreme, but I would think of it as the simple concept of justice.

Pineapple cream cheese should BE ILLEGAL THIS IS SO GROSS
Courtesy of Harrison Freuck’s disgusting roommate

I have tried to be empathetic toward flavored cream cheese consumers, I really have. I’ve tried to understand the incentive, the mixing of opposing flavor palettes, the possibly complementing flavors of sesame seed covered bread and strawberry cream cheese. I’m losing sleep at night just trying to wrap my mind around why the strawberry cream cheese is always sold out at Target.

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Would you ever realistically eat a strawberry wrapped in a piece of bread? No? Then why are you eating a strawberry flavored dairy spread on a firm frisbee of gluten? Have you no taste buds? It seems as though our world has strayed so far from salvation that we tend to forget that fruit flavors on bread are one of the seven deadly sins.

I call upon you, dear reader, to help me manifest this for the new year. Join me in the abolishment and mass banning of flavored (specifically fruity) cream cheese. I want all production stopped. And if that means I rob the joy of a fruity bagel from a hardworking taxpayer every morning, then so be it.