For many of us, this school year has been a mixed bag of loneliness and stress. On top of that, we’re constantly living with the feeling that we’re paying top dollar for what is essentially a low-budget Khan Academy course. But, beyond my professor’s half-assed lectures and that one nerd’s annoying emails about starting a virtual study group, I’ve found a good amount of inspiration from online school. Specifically, Honorlock.
For all eight of you who don’t know, Honorlock is an online proctoring system that many University of Wisconsin students have had to install over the past month. The program takes control of your computer system by gaining access to your webcam and browser.
While UW officials say it’s the only way to truly ensure academic honesty, many students see this program as an invasion of their privacy, because it basically has access to every part of your computer, which means that it can see that one time when you looked up “states that allow you to marry cousin”… gross dude.
But beyond all of the concerns over academic honesty and your absolutely fucked browser history, I’ve been able to use Honorlock in a way no one has ever thought of before. I’m proud to say that I am now using Honorlock to secure my romantic relationship. Oh yeah, we’re going there.
Listen, I have felt rather insecure about my relationship lately, so I took this opportunity to apply something that I learned from school. Allow me to take the time to highlight how I am using Honorlock to secure my relationship.
Now, one of the biggest features of the Honorlock program is the fact that it has access to the front-facing camera at all times, and this is absolutely NECESSARY when securing your relationship.
I mean how else are you going to tell her how beautiful she looks every hour of the day? Or make sure she gets home safe after a night out with friends? Or give her a confidence-boosting pep talk before a midterm?
What? You thought this was going to be some creepy, possessive article about stalking my girlfriend? Get out of here. You’re going to get plenty of problematic commentary from your Bud-Light-Drinking Uncle at Thanksgiving soon enough. I’m only using this program to make her happy in unexpected and fun ways!
Now, boundaries had to be set. For one, I was not allowed to look at browser history. Totally fine by me. I have to be honest, I’m kind of scarred from doing that after I saw YOUR history earlier, which was downright sinful.
The other rule she established was no access to text messages. Again, I was totally okay with this. Sometimes I get on my girl’s nerves and she just needs to vent to her supportive friends!
Having access to her computer display allows me to see her weekly calendar, and this feature has come in clutch. Her calendar lets me know the exact time that she should be home every day. And trust me — if she is home even one minute late… I’ll assume that traffic was heavy, and reheat the incredible dinner that I prepared for her.
I have to be useful for something around here. She works so hard all day, it’s the least I could do. Her calendar also lets me know if I should order food for her when she’s up studying late, or take her out to a nice restaurant when she has days off.
Listen folks, Honorlock has thoroughly secured my relationship. It has allowed me to do so many things to express my feelings in a way that makes me feel good and my girly-pop feel special. While the folks over at Honorlock HQ might have access to your personal information (like your search history – seriously, I’m usually not judgmental about this sort of thing, but dude, you need help), I think it can only lead to positive effects on your love life.
I do have one warning though — don’t try to use this on any family members. After I found out what my grandparents do on weekends, let’s just say I’m going to make them wash their hands twice before they cook the next holiday feast.