You don’t get out much when you’re a ghost.
Some are lucky enough to land a spot working a ghost tour or as seasonal temps at corn mazes and haunted houses during the month of October.
But other than that, all a ghost can do is slink around and chat with their ghost pals. You get the occasional weirdo who haunts their old house and possesses people, but most ghosts are just regular people who died in regular ways — and just want to die (properly this time) already. The consensus among the regular ghosts is that at least those haunting fellows have a hobby.
Ghosting isn’t an exciting life. This makes the one day they can show their faces, Halloween, a big day.
Not only will people not scream and brown their pants when they see you, they’ll probably also smile and say, “Sick costume bro, where’d you get it?” And your ghost self will feel a little less disgusted with your pitiful existence.
Why stop at asking these ghosts where they got their costumes? These people have been around for centuries and are walking history books, aren’t they? I’m sure even some of them were chefs in their past life.
The only thing holding you back from asking them all the questions you want to know about the past is that: 1) it’s probably just someone wearing a bed sheet and they would be weirded out by a stranger walking up and interrogating them, or 2) it’s a ghost and ghosts are wicked scary and you’re not risking life and limb to find out something you can probably Google.
Do not fear, for I have already done the hard work for you. This is what I discovered quizzing ghosts about Halloween this past Halloweekend:
Harry: Who are the people you guys tend to haunt the most?
Ghost: People who take the whole bucket of candy on Halloween are the ones whose houses get haunted. I mean what did they expect when they disrespected every ghost’s favorite holiday?
Harry: If anything, those thieves deserve it. What are your thoughts on pumpkins?
Ghost: I have no idea why pumpkins are such a big deal during Halloween. What have you heard?
Harry: I also have no idea, but according to some guy on Quora, they just look nice. What’s your favorite candy?
This question turned out to be so contentious that the ghosts I found walking down Regent Street stopped creepily speaking in unison and started arguing so furiously that I ran away.
Later, I bumped into one (in a more literal sense, I walked through one) and he told me they decided on Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
“It’s the perfect Halloween candy,” the ghost said. “I mean, they’re cheap enough to get a ton, they’re tasty, they’ve got protein in them, they won’t make your teeth rot as bad as sugary candies like Sour Patch Kids, they don’t make you puke like candy corn does, they have Big Cups, Minis, Thins, they have caramel or crunchy styles …”
I had to go because the ghost was going to keep talking until I turned into a ghost. Then I was inspired to go eat some Reese’s while I still had my corporeal body.
As I enjoyed the Reese’s combo of peanut butter and chocolate, I wondered how ghosts could even have a favorite candy if they can’t physically eat anything.
Well, I guess the world may never know — shoot, wrong candy.