Help!

I’ve fallen behind in class and I can’t get up!

I just checked Canvas and apparently I have a response paper due in three hours. It is almost impossible for me to write a response, as I have not done the readings necessary for the assignment, or gone to lecture at all this semester.

Nope, I’ve fallen behind in class.

I can’t get up.

Not one step.

Lost house party coat continues to haunt streets of MadisonWhile whistling down Wilson Street and breezing through Breese Terrace, a strange apparition has begun to knock down University of Read…

Some might say I should drop this class. I would, but as my grandmother says, I like money. The Add/Drop deadline passed my poor soul by weeks ago. 

If I drop the class now, I can only receive half of my tuition money back in a refund. As we know, I like money. Only receiving half of my money back would make me sad and defeated. Fallen, but not defeated, is where I would like to stand.

Except I can’t stand. I’ve fallen behind in class and I can’t get up. 

What class is it you might ask. Some might query if I can take it pass fail. I wish I could, but alas it is for my major and I just learned via mass WiscMail that classes for your major cannot be taken pass/fail. This class is for my major. What is my major? That is a mystery to be kept to myself and my transcript.

Ah, my transcript. A once untarnished, perfect being. It was indented only by the school’s emblem at the top. Now, a mass of letters, sprinkled throughout mark it, sometimes spelling words.

What we almost named The Badger HeraldI know it’s unprofessional to say, but this column is unprofessional so I’ll just go off — Happy birthday, Herald! Read…

Did you know you can make words with the letters A, B and C? I mean look, AB is a great word in its own right. Cabs remind us of cities. BAC reminds us to drink responsibly and never get behind the wheel with anything higher than a 0.08.

Oh woe is me. Oh woe IS me. Oh woe is MEEEEEE.

That was a quote from “Thoroughly Modern Millie,” a musical I did in high school. I remember life was so much easier then. I could sleep at night knowing even if I failed to do anything for any of my classes, I would still be alive.

Not now.

Are you in the ‘sophomore slums’? Here’s how to knowTo be honest, I was never a sophomore at the University of Wisconsin, which is also the probable reason why Read…

I have fallen behind in my classes and I can’t get up. 

Some might say my life is on alert. It is, it truly is.

I only have one life and here it is, on alert.

Help is needed, not even GUTS can help me now. I am out of all hope and begging.

Help! I have fallen behind in my classes and I can’t get up.