While whistling down Wilson Street and breezing through Breese Terrace, a strange apparition has begun to knock down University of Wisconsin students on campus sidewalks. Some may say ice is a more logical explanation for these spills, but I know the real cause.

The shape of the ghost reveals its true nature and basis in reality. A strong and wide core meets two sleeve-like portions on the ghastly being that I have seen pushing my peers and I to the ground all over town. A small circular logo peeks on the side of the being, faintly showing its apparent relation to a flock of Canadian geese.

Yes, you heard that correctly — a coat is haunting Madisonians in this tragic life.

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While the origins of this coat-ghost at first seem unclear, they quickly become evident with just a little sleuthing. Coats most often find their final resting places in the throes of random parties with hundreds of people. This coat, deserted by its owner after one cup too many, took it upon itself to avenge the wrongdoings done to all lost coats before it, especially those which sit unused atop refrigerators for months in the hopes of being reclaimed.

The apparition got a few upgrades to its form once it became a vigilante for justice. The Canada Goose logo started to transform into ghost-like, yet nonetheless real geese. That’s right — a whole flock can flap its way right off the ghost into the backs of poor pedestrians. These transformative geese are thought to be the root cause of the evil done to those falling on sidewalks county-wide. Precious eternal flames now spark off the hood’s old faux fur rim, leaving the new, immortal coat to again look like a furious beast.

I took to the streets for comments because I’m a journalist and I use the term “took to the streets for comments” a lot, but I’ve yet to learn how to steal a street — so I was unsuccessful. But whilst trying to lift up John Nolen Drive, I did have a couple of people tell me their opinions on the Creepy Canada Goose Ghost.

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One such observer, after instructing me that I will definitely injure my back if I try to lift up an entire road, found the ghost to be of utmost danger in this society.

“This totally explains why I slipped last week,” they said as they moved their flip-flopped-feet about the pavement. “We must do whatever we can to prevent the ghost from attacking again. I can’t afford another injury after I wrecked my tailbone there.”

This observer understands true fear and stands with me in the fight to avoid sensible footwear in the winter months.

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Another passerby did not agree with my hypothesis at first, but after swiftly being pulled to the ground by the coat’s forces, they changed their tune.

“I can’t believe this pure evil,” they said. “I mean, I’m not one for superstition. Astrology is just about the only wacky thing I believe in. I’m a Pisces after all, so I am quite idealistic and sensitive. Regardless, ghosts always seemed so foolish in comparison. I now know I must fear these terrifying beings to be spared. I am considering starting a cult of the Canada Goose, so if anyone would like to join, feel free to hit me up on LinkedIn.”

While most around me laughed at my quest, I knew my investigation was making great progress in paying the dead jacket the respect it deserves. It’s no wonder slipping considerably slowed today, which I am confident was due to respects paid towards the coat ghost. I am certain it had nothing to do with the change in weather.