One may think they lead a hard life. Tests, papers, and the water which consistently spills from one’s Cup Noodles when trying to microwave the supposedly non-microwavable styrofoam cup plague the lives of many students daily.

Hard Lives, The Badger Herald’s newest column, seeks to put one’s troubles in perspective by showcasing the plights of various lives being lived, albeit often by inanimate objects.

Today’s feature takes a look at Bertha, a fluorescent light in The Badger Herald’s humble office which struggles to find motivation to exist every day.

Q: Start us off with a  good vibes response, what are the positives in your life?

A: One could say I have too many positives in my life. You see, the key to electricity is the flow of negatively charged electrons, which I do not have happening constantly. Because of this, I often flicker on and off without rhyme or reason. I wish I had less positivity in my life.

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Q: Oh … Well, that puts my interview a little bit off track. Tell us more about these flickers. Are they similar to flickers of dreams?

A: In short, no. They are pretty nightmarish. I’ll be vibing one second and then the next I will flicker and worry I might expire. It’s absolutely terrifying.

Q: How do these flickers impact the world around you?

A: For most of the staff at the office, my flickers are a small annoyance.  They’ve become accustomed to my little episodes and don’t even notice them sometimes. For others, the outbursts constantly strike fear into their hearts. I heard one editor read John Hersey’s Hiroshima one too many times and contemplate if the office is under nuclear attack every time my flickers are just a bit too bright. It makes me a little insecure.

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Q: Does this insecurity impact your relationships with the other lights in the office?

A: They usually understand I’m just not as developed as them yet. Sally, the bulb right next to me, will usually eat my lunch of electrons with me. She’s been really understanding through this difficult time, but lately, she’s been chilling more with Jeff, who live two bulbs over. I blame cuffing szn.

Q: Wait, you’re single? You’re lit and literally have so much firepower. I constantly worry the office is going to actually catch on fire because of you.

A: I’ve been single my whole life. I guess no one wants to show old  Bertha love and compassion.

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Q: Why do you sometimes refer to yourself in the third person?

A: I get it from one of the editors, she constantly refers to herself in third person, especially when chatting about bicycle laden escapades.

Q: Huh, weird. Is that weird?

A: Yeah I think so.

Q: Any final insights on your challenging life?

A: I watch over so many jovial students and yet I sit here to wallow in my spareness. Even they make fun of me sometimes if I’m having a particularly troublesome day. It’s just hard to get everyone to understand why I do what I do and I’ll always be different, but I’m working through it one flash at a time.