Wisconsin’s absence from this year’s March Madness tournament has been a major blow to tournament viewership in Wisconsin. However, these aren’t the only team’s the audience is yearning for this year.
If there’s one thing Team Edward has, it’s team spirit. If there are two things Team Edward has, it’s team spirit and a group-wide restraining order. These impassioned Twilight fans have endured a whole decade of total irrelevancy with the help of their tenuous grip on reality and bloodthirsty defense. The 22-year-old captain marshaled the team, known as “Stella,” who has thirty total interceptions, five gouged eyes, four scratched corneas and a partridge in a pear tree to her name. Other team stars include point guard Vikki Blood, who has contributed an average of 20 points a game and power forward Sanguis Moriarty, who contributes the halftime blood oranges.
Seal Team Six
Seal Team Six are a team of well trained, efficient and cold aquatic mammals who represent the Indianapolis Aquarium on the court. Despite their naturally friendly and cuddly nature, these seals mean business. When motivated by generous treats of fish, they are capable of bouncing the ball on their snouts up to five times. While this is impressive, defense is where the team starts to shine, literally crushing the opposing team under their four hundred pounds of mass. Led by the terrible twosome of team captains, Captain Smoochems and team-first mate Dennis Rodman, Seal Team Six are capable of giving any team in the tournament a run for their money.
In 1972 a crack collegiate basketball team was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as athletes of fortune. If you have a tournament if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can compete with the A-Team.
Team Ten is a team of sickly supervillains led by the dastardly dark lord Jake Paul. Created by the guy who Andrew Garfield played, in the “Social Network” to get revenge on the dude Jessie Eisenberg played for stealing Facebook, the attention they receive on the internet powers this team of malicious malcontents. Each of their world wide web based powers cause terrific trouble for the opposing teams easily duped defenses. Jake Paul grabs the opposing team’s attention with his wild ad-friendly antics, while forward Nick Crompton turns the audience against the opposition with his super social (media) skills. Win or lose, the team would put some pizazz back in March Madness.
The 1996 Chicago Bulls
The most frustrating thing about this year’s March Madness was the noticeable absence of the 1996 Chicago Bulls. Generally considered by sports scholars and drunk uncles to be the very best, like no one ever was, it was surreal to see them not qualify for this year’s tournament. With household names like Michael Jordan, Ron Harper and Ron Jeremy in their ranks, one would’ve expected them to at least make a splash this season. Adding to their misery, the team was unable to win an NBA title this year, making this the 22nd year in a row they have failed to bring glory back to Chicago. However, counting a team of that quality out of contention for anything is a mistake we haven’t made since 1995, expect them to come back strong next year.