Recently, the University of Wisconsin has become one of the top party schools in the nation. We here at The Badger Herald hope that we can help reverse the decay of the moral fiber of society by providing fun, family-friendly ways to enjoy the night instead of drinking.
1. Converting to Scientology
Sometimes drinking won’t help take the pain away, however, for several small payments of $300 your local chapter of Scientology can. For several small payments of $500, you can get the Anti-Thetan package and help destroy the evil alien spirits bringing you down if you are still not happy.
Life is short, and you need to make your mark in the world. What better way to do that than to spray paint penises onto the walls of the local bar?
3. Getting really high
Drinking is fun, you know what else is fun? Cocaine. What’s better than cocaine? More cocaine.
Cows typically weigh a little bit more than a ton and can kick with enough force to knock a grown man flat on his back. Cows only experience two moods: hungry and enraged. If you don’t need to be drunk to do this you have the self-confidence of a Greek god.
When I drink too much, I wake up in a Qdoba parking lot with no shoes, no shirt, no memory, one kidney and no money. If I gamble too much all I lose is the money.
6. Write for the Banter section of The Badger Herald
Everybody thinks they’re funny when they’re drunk, it takes a real sense of denial to think you’re funny when you are sober.