Ever walk down the Lakeshore Path at night and ask yourself, “it’s so damn dark out here, am I lost?” Well, I found myself in that exact situation not long ago. Here are some of the thoughts I had when I was sure I was going to die alone on the Lakeshore Path at night.

1. “I’m no Bear Grylls.”

But I could sure use his skills to get out of this situation. Is there any elephant poop I can drink around here?

2. “Is this what Little Red Riding Hood felt like?”

I’ll kill that fucking wolf, don’t even try me. I saw “Hoodwinked,” I know how to handle this situation.

3. “Mr. Tumnus should have met me here by now.”

Last time I got lost in a forest he helped me out, where the hell did he go? Hopefully, the White Witch didn’t get him yet.

4. “Highwayman is starting to sound like a good profession.”

Well, if I can’t get out of these woods I may as well embrace my presence here and make a living out of this lonesome path. Charging for passage is sounding more fun with every second I think about it.

5. “This isn’t as fun as I thought it would be.”

I’m starting to regret the decision to get lost.

6. “Chancellor Blank must’ve forgotten to mention this forest is forbidden to students.”

Dumbledore said it, why the hell hasn’t this university caught on?

7. “I probably shouldn’t have climbed that tree.”

How the hell did I expect to get down? I couldn’t even see anything from the top everything was so dark. This excursion was a mistake from the start.

8. “Do they have bears on campus?”

I once heard someone say they saw a bear by Kronsage. I didn’t believe it then but I heard something rustle and now I’m scared and now I think I’m going to get eaten by a bear and I’ve never even been to Venice.

9. “I’m up in the woods, I’m down on my mind.”

If you hear the sweat sounds of Bon Iver, please go toward the noise. That person is in grave danger and has been lost on The Lakeshore Path for hours. Justin Vernon, I feel your pain.