So you’ve decided to do the most destructive thing you can do to your beloved abode: throw a party. Your home is doomed to become a coursing mass of sweaty strangers dumping beer into their howling faces as Fetty Wap croons in the background. These maniacs will leave your home like the Visigoths left Rome unless you take drastic countermeasures immediately. Follow our simple seven-step guide below to ensure your pad can weather the coming storm.

1. Lock your doors.

A drunken undergraduate will enter any space not secured by a physical barrier. If you don’t want someone vomiting in a given room, shut the door and ensure it is securely closed. The front door is an exception to this rule, unless you’re staying in.

2. Divert bathroom damages to the lesser commode.

If your home is spacious enough to have two bathrooms, you can minimize damages by channeling all party traffic to the worst of your multiple toilets. Save the best for yourself, a drunkard cares not where they pee.

3. Buy a plunger.

Don’t wait until you need one. Also, there’s a difference between a toilet plunger and a sink plunger.

4. Designate and hide your reserve beer.

When an endless line of freshmen run your keg dry, don’t let yourself be caught without a healthy backup plan. Sequester a stash of intoxicants for private use between yourself and your fellow hosts.

5. Sweeten up your neighbors.

Nobody likes a snitch. Ensure your neighbors won’t contact the local constabulary by greasing some palms before the big event. Baked goods, alcohol, a party invite, a juggling performance — it’s your call. Don’t let loose lips torpedo your pleasure cruise.

6. Set up a booze toll collector.

This is a house party, not a charity. Unless you are some sort of high-rolling philanthropist combatting sobriety, it’s best to protect your alcoholic assets by asking (or demanding) for a paltry free of five dollars upon entry. While generosity is a lofty and admirable ideal, these are desperate times.

7. Remove and hide any possible chasers from your fridge.

Unless you like waking up the morning after only to discover some thirsty knave has sipped away all of your orange juice, lock down the precious nectars ASAP. Applies to soda, egg nog, and gravy as well. If it tastes even marginally better than a mouthful of Burnett’s, odds are somebody will chase with it.