The things I do for you people.
“Birdemic 2: Resurrection” is ostensibly a sequel to the 2008 cult classic “Birdemic.” It somehow manages to be worse.
It attempts to be self-aware by acknowledging how awful its predecessor was, but fixes none of the flaws from the prior incarnation. While the first movie opens with nine minutes of someone driving somewhere, “Birdemic 2” opens with five minutes of some guy aimlessly walking around downtown Los Angeles, accompanied by the most generic, out-of-place song in existence.
While the music in “Birdemic” was not exactly masterful, it at least attempted to make sense within the film’s universe. Its sequel does not put on the same haughty airs, and instead begins with a jaunty little tune that sounds like a theme from a shitty sitcom developed to give an out-of-work former child star a paycheck.
Everything you hated from the original “Birdemic” returns with panache. The atrocious GIF birds? Check. The actors with the sizzling romantic chemistry of two pieces of plywood? Check. The camera quality of a low-budget reality show? Check. But what does the sequel have to offer that’s bigger and better? Why, zombies of course!
Yes, zombies, the creative equivalent of white noise. To say there is a lot of zombie-related media in the U.S. is to say that Charles Manson had a few character flaws: a gross understatement at the very least. But here they are, in all of their poorly made-up glory. Birds with what is apparently acidic blood are nowhere near enough of a threat, apparently we need guys in t-shirts with some ketchup splashed on their faces crawling out of the ground to threaten our boring protagonists.
This time, instead of characters mindlessly swinging coat hangers at the top-layer menaces, they roundhouse kick and shoot pistols at them inside a warehouse. It really is genuinely painful to watch after a while. Human beings are not designed to watch both “Birdemic” movies twice within a one-week period, but here we are. Three hours of stunningly amateurish filmmaking techniques and acting so drab and boring it makes my brain melt and begin leaking out of my ears.
There’s really very little you can say about “Birdemic: Generic Sequel Word” that can’t also be said about the first “Birdemic,” which is really the most frustrating thing about it. As much as it tries to be self-referential and ironic and all those other words that makes critics like me feel light-headed, it just wallows in the original like a pig in some poorly-rendered mud.