If anything, this week has had its ups and downs. I’ve experienced 30 consecutive hours without food and my all-time lowest blood sugar, I’ve seen all-I-can-eat Ian’s and I won free Beats headphones.
I’ll get to the headphones later, but for now, a quick recap of my first two days. The beginning of the week was hell, made worse by the fact that it was a hell I elected in the first place. My food intake for the first 30 hours consisted of a single cup of Kwik Trip mac and cheese, and if I hadn’t found refuge in a single packet of student org fair ramen, it probably would’ve been my final meal.
If anyone knows of somewhere to eat I sure would like to eat more than a single cup of Mac n cheese today
— Feed Lake (@FeedLake) September 7, 2015
Thankfully, things took a dramatic upswing after that fateful pack of ramen, although unfortunately the catalyst of this benevolent trend happened to be the kickoff club meeting of the ballroom dance team.
Although the ballroom dancers are made up of strange men I do not trust, to their credit they did have very good pizza. Enough of it, in fact, that they did not notice that I stole four slices to consume in a safer, less sequin-heavy environment. With pilfered pizza in my gullet for breakfast, I looked toward Wednesday with a hopeful gleam in my eye. Confirming my optimism was Kwik Trip, my savior and my knight.
I biked what had become an all-too-familiar mile in pursuit of free frozen yogurt via the Hooked app, and was met with riches I had never imagined.
As I was making my way to the fro-yo, a voice sweeter than the scent of any rose rang down from the heavens. My angel took the form of a Qwik Trip employee inquiring, “Free box of Glazers?” For those unfamiliar with Glazers, they produce supremely unhealthy and preservative-laced doughnuts that also happen to be incredibly delicious and dirt cheap. While Qwik Trip may have considered these pastries past their expiration date and unfit for sale, to me they were a godsend.
I left with my doughnuts, fro-yo and two free sample slices of pizza. I had dinner as well as breakfast for the rest of the week accounted for. Things were finally looking up, and I fell asleep that Wednesday night with a smile on my face.
Scored a box of Glazers past their expiration date from Kwik Trip!!!! Gourmet baby!!! HELL yeah baby!! — Feed Lake (@FeedLake) September 10, 2015
Shockingly, at least to me, this was not even close to the pinnacle of my week. Thursday was packed full of potential food opportunities. Every club and student org under the sun wheeled out their boxes of free pizza, presumably stored somewhere in the steam tunnels for the rest of the year until they can be used to lure freshman to another annual meeting.
But my auspicious evening of culinary options did not begin with a student org, but rather Ian’s Pizza, which was kind enough to acknowledge my plight.
@FeedLake We’re hiding slice cards today. If you follow us on Snapchat you might be able to track one down!
— Ian’s Pizza Madison (@IansMadison) September 10, 2015
Then the kickoff meetings began.
There were literally far too many events for me to attend, and for the first time all week I found myself with options. I picked and chose a small number of events that actually interested me and set off to hunt and gather for the night.
First was the kickoff meeting for We Conserve, an environmentally-focused volunteer organization made many times cooler by the fact that they catered their event with Ian’s, Noodles & Company and Wings Over Madison. I set in with ravenous intensity upon this feast before me, stuffing myself full with pasta and pizza, and grabbing a free raffle ticket while I was at it.
Ever in search of sustenance, I rocketed over to a meeting of the Wildlife Society on my bicycle. Although a very interesting and cool organization, the Wildlife Society had no food save for a few bits of candy, so I made a fairly swift exit after signing in.
I checked my watch and saw the time, 7:06 p.m., and realized I could still make it back for the We Conserve raffle. The large hill on Observatory Drive, otherwise known as The Bike-Hating Colossus, was the only thing standing in my way. I biked up this monumental incline fueled by Ian’s and pure anticipation for the results of this raffle, setting a new personal land speed record in the process.
I re-entered the We Conserve meeting with a minute to spare, and immediately upon entry heard someone calling my name. I expected this to be a local fan supporting me on my hungry journey, but instead it was the raffle manager — I had won a pair of Beats headphones. For some reason the universe decided to reward me for my week of idiocy. I won’t argue with the universe.
Plus I got to end the night with some sweet Cheeto snacks and free sandwiches at the Helen C. House party, finalizing the remarkable twists of fate that befell me that lovely Thursday.
.@rlallensack @UWMadLibraries already on it!!!! love those free Cheetos baby. Thank you @CheetosArabia for this meal pic.twitter.com/QbFL6gDReX
— Feed Lake (@FeedLake) September 11, 2015
This past week has been a trial of olympic proportions. Sacrificing my well-being and happiness for the Herald has been an ordeal which I will look back upon with a mix of pain and joy. I tasted pizza, victory, defeat and more pizza. I no longer fully regret my life choices like I did Tuesday night; my levels of self-loathing have receded to their previous levels.
I have enjoyed this week in some stupid way, and it actually has led to me doing some things I would usually never do. It has in some ways expanded my horizons at the expense of shrinking my food intake.
While I was never in any serious danger as a result of malnutrition, I certainly have gained some empathy for those that face it on a very real level. Also, I’ve become more aware of the many opportunities for free food around campus (although they alone are hardly reliable as a means of survival).
Is that a worthwhile trade-off? I don’t know, but if there’s one thing I do know after this week, it is this: I’m never fucking doing this again.
