For many people, threesomes are the ultimate sexy bucket list item to check off. Plenty of people engage in three-ways. A Metropolitan Report from 2013 found 20 percent of adults have had a threesome. Search any pornography website for “threesome,” and the results will be practically limitless. After all, an ABC poll ranked threesomes as the most popular sexual fantasy in America.

Threesomes might also be a great way to spice up a monogamous relationship that has lost its heat. Introducing another person into your bedroom can be thrilling, but only if the couple carefully plans out their experience with a potential third person. The most famous threesome fantasy typically calls for two women and a man (FFM), but two men and a woman (MMF), three men (MMM) or three women (FFF) can fuck each other just as happily.

Introducing the idea to a partner

For people who value monogamy as an important aspect of a relationship, threesomes can sound intimidating. Like all sexual fantasies, the desire for a ménage à trois should be introduced as an exciting new adventure to try together. It should also be discussed when the relationship feels rock-solid. Unsurprisingly, many people may worry that a partner’s request for a threesome indicates dissatisfaction or a wish to break up. If this is the reason you are asking for a threesome, you may need to reconsider the relationship. Trust is the most important ingredient in a threesome, and it is necessary for everyone to enjoy themselves.

If your partner seems reluctant, ask what worries them and attempt to soothe their fears. Offer to let them choose the third and set limits on what they can or cannot do. Try exploring threesome fantasies when you are alone together by turning your partner on and then talking about three-way action, developing a positive association between threesomes and orgasms.

And if your partner says no? No means no. The second informed consent is removed from pursuing sex outside of a partnered relationship, it becomes infidelity. Threesomes are not worth cheating over. And if a three-way is that important for your sexual satisfaction, perhaps it is time to break up and search for a partner who is also into threesomes!

Rules

Make sure to set rules and limitations before you even begin trying to find a third person. Discuss what can and cannot be done as specifically as possible. Is penetration allowed? What about hickeys? Can one of you sit back and watch for a while? If someone leaves the room should everything stop? Will the third person sleep over? What will happen the next morning? Is this a one-time-only event or not? It might be a good idea to write the rules down so that they can be referred to later. Communicate openly and honestly about potential jealousy to avoid problems. Ensure that everyone gets tested for sexually transmitted infections beforehand and make decisions about barrier methods. Condoms should be switched for every penetration and sex dams are a good idea, too.

You should obtain permission from your primary partner for everything from licking nipples to buttholes. But the third person should feel safe and satisfied, too, so once you have established rules with your primary partner, welcome them into a discussion as well. Everyone should feel comfortable stopping the threesome in its tracks if anyone feels uncomfortable or insecure. And do not break the rules in the heat of the moment for any reason.

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Finding a third

There are two types of thirds: one you know and one you don’t. While it may feel like a good idea to invite a close friend into your bedroom, consider carefully the possibility that things may get awkward afterward. The ideal third is someone you trust but will not have to see regularly. Do not pick someone you harbor romantic feelings for, as this could make your partner feel (understandably) insecure.

When it’s finally time to do the deed, don’t jump into bed together right away. Relax together and ramp up to it by playing sexy truth-or-dare or rolling naughty dice with sexy deeds on them. Building this intimacy can help the three-way feel more comfortable and safe for everyone. Try not to leave anyone out and be as generous as possible with your tongue, hands and toys to make sure that everyone is satisfied. If your primary partner worries about being ignored, make sure not to give too much attention to the third party.

Positions

Congratulations! You’ve got a list of rules, a third person and everyone is turned on and ready to go. But a three-way includes an extra set of nipples, hands and genitals, rendering most of the positions we are familiar with useless. Improvising is a blast too, but here are some positions to keep in mind. (All of these can be altered for all combinations of genders, especially if you have access to toys.)

FFM

  • One girl lies on her back and the other lies on top of her. They can make out and touch each other while the guy enters the girl on top in doggy style.
  • One female gives oral to the other while the guy gives it to her in doggy style. This position can be switched up. Bonus points if one of the girls straps on a dildo while the guy eats the other woman out.
  • Oral is a great threesome experience — and double the fun if two people go down on the other at once.
  • The guy lies down and one of the women sits on his face while the other goes down on him or has sex with him, cowgirl style.

MMF

  • One guy lies back while the girl gives him a blowjob so that the other guy can fuck her doggy style.
  • Double-vaginal penetration is a possibility if everyone is extremely comfortable. The woman should be lubed up and relaxed. This position should definitely be discussed ahead of time.

These positions seem like a lot of work, but try not to overthink it. Try not to leave any part of the body neglected, relax and enjoy the most popular fantasy in America!

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