So you a have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Way to fucking go. You’re automatically going to have a less fucking miserable Valentine’s Day than our single counterparts who will be spending their entire Friday jacking off, alone, wishing they were as fucking cool as us. If you’re like me—in a healthy relationship with a tremendous sex life—you can approach Valentine’s Day in one of two ways. First, you could soak it up like a brainless sponge, indulging in everything Hallmark, maybe eating some chocolate, going out for a really fucking nice dinner and making your significant other pay for it. Second, you could try out a little self-awareness, realize that all that shit is lame as fuck and try something a little different. Besides, every restaurant in Madison is loaded with reservations for the entirety of Friday night. You’ll never get in. Try out my sexy, alternative tips for a sexy, alternative Valentine’s Day and your relationship will reach new heights.
Get out of the bed and get sexy all over campus.
It’s supposed to be relatively warm on Friday, with a balmy high of 22 degrees. Walking out on Lake Mendota’s ice at night is one of the most romantic things a couple can possibly do. Bring an extra-thick blanket, walk out pretty far and go at it on said blanket. Your bodies will keep each other warm.
Make-out sessions automatically become 10 times hotter when they’re done atop Bascom Hill. Bonus points for exchanging saliva while sitting on Honest Abe’s lap.
Why not use Valentine’s Day to fulfill that cliché Badger fantasy of making sweet love in the Memorial Library stacks? It’s a Friday, so the library is guaranteed to be somewhat empty. And besides, if a librarian catches you, they’ll go easy on you because it’s Valentine’s Day.
Forget the hoopla and go to a movie.
I’ve heard “The Lego Movie” is fucking amazing. Just don’t make out in the theater, because there will probably be children there, and if you make out during the movie, you’re missing the fucking movie. Also, the University of Wisconsin Cinematheque is showing a 35mm print of Stanley Kubrick’s “Barry Lyndon,” if three-hour-long period dramas get you all hot and bothered.
If “The Lego Movie” doesn’t diddle your goodie bits, stay at home with your significant other and indulge in the glories of Netflix. Try to avoid dark, depressing movies. One time I watched David Fincher’s “Zodiac” (currently on the ’flix) with my girlfriend. Instead of hot, post-movie sex, we spent two hours talking about the psychology of serial killers, the nature of murder and the always-fun topic of death. Instead, try “Manhattan,” “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” or “His Girl Friday,” all currently on Netflix.
Try some kinky sexual stuff you’ve never done before.
Every sexual relationship gets stale if you don’t try something new once in a while. Let Valentine’s Day be that excuse to get a little freaky.
Use some fucking toys. Cock rings, butt plugs, 10-inch-plus dildos, vibrators, sex swings: the more of these things, the better. Imagine when you were a kid in Toys “R” Us. Remember how awesome that was? Try to replicate that excitement. With sex.
You don’t know how delicious whipped cream can be until you lick it from your partner’s breasts or penis. It’s delicious.
Basically, if you have any hidden desires, share a bottle of wine to loosen up the conversation and share all your wildest fantasies. If nothing else, Valentine’s Day is the perfect time for failed sexual experiments that will ruin the sanctity of your relationship forever. Godspeed.